tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46970926401137210972024-03-12T22:36:44.348-05:00Adventures with Mental Illness and weight loss, after a Lap-BandWeightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.comBlogger51125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-25672571865517763862013-01-08T12:56:00.000-06:002013-01-08T12:56:34.839-06:00New year, Old RemedySo it's 2013, and it feels weird. My teenie-tiny 2 lb 6 oz baby girl will be 10 in less than two weeks. My hubby and I will have been dating for 20 years in July (married for 11), by baby-bay will be eight. Que <i>Sunrise , Sunset.</i><br />
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Yesterday morning I was literally smacked upside the head by Karma. My wedding candle and engagement picture dropped on my head after I stumbled and fell headfirst into my buffet and hutch set (I've got the concussion to prove it, oh and a lovely scrape and bruise on my arm). The picture was of me 100 lbs lighter. How gorgeous I looked without those hundred pounds and ten years! And how did I get there? Weight Watchers and Curves. Now I can't do Curves cause I'm locked in at my gym, But I can be more consistent with my exercise. And because right before Christmas I learned that BCBS will not be covering my gastric sleeve surgery (bastards). I am going back to my old remedy - Weight Watchers. I've already started eating more fresh fruits and veggies, which are free in terms of points or so I've heard. But I join Saturday And I am so<b><i><u> Geeked</u></i></b> about it I can hardly stand it.<br />
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So stay tuned and we will see what I can do!Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-39689066133738071942012-10-04T13:36:00.004-05:002012-10-04T13:36:31.536-05:00Testing, Testing 1...2...3!<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
My life is a blur of tests…tests for physical problems, psychological
testing to see if I can have the Gastric Sleeve, a MRI for my knee, an EEG for
my brain. And all of this in the next few weeks, along with trying to have a
normal home life? It’s enough to make me
want to run screaming! BUT, I’m not
going to, I’m facing these challenges head on, for I have Mastered a master’s
degree, I have delivered two beautiful girls in this world via C-Section, I
have a loving, successful marriage, but most of all I have faith that God is
going to walk me through it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And all those tests you’re going through, those day to day
pressures that are mounting, the mountain of clothes to wash that comes with
the change of seasons, anything else that is weighing on your mind, you’ll get
through them too. I promise.<o:p></o:p></div>
Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-86085695944272990982012-09-19T09:26:00.001-05:002012-09-19T09:26:46.441-05:00So I haven't posted since March, well I have a lot to catch up on. When we last saw me, I was dieting with the help of myfitnesspal.com (which is, in my opinion, a great tool if you need to lose 20 lbs, not 200). I wasn't having much success. So in June I got lazy and spent the summer gaining the nine pounds I lost back, plus 3 more. How did you spend your summer vacation...LOL.<br />
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So my kids are back in school, so it was time to get serious, so serious that I enlisted the help of my doctor and got a referral to a different surgeon. I'm now going through the red tape to get the gastric sleeve procedure done. Unlike the band it's permanent, And it's as good thing too. I'm trying to eat lowish carb to prepare for the surgery. After I have it, I'll have a stomach the size of a ball park bun-length hot-dog.<br />
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And then guess what? I pulled the tendon on the inner side of my right knee and am on one crutch, hobbling around and can't exercise. How did I do this. I did a karate kick in water aerobics. Actually, it was a <i>Jacky chan</i> - a jumping jack with a karate kick. Lovely, simply lovely.Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-21149376998326245732012-03-09T05:14:00.004-06:002012-03-09T05:14:32.451-06:00Insomnia<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
So it’s 5 a.m., and I’ve been up for 4 and a half hours, leaving
me with only three hours of sleep for the night. A big part of the problem with my brand of
mental illness is the insomnia. I take
meds to help me sleep, but it seems that the Abilify is counteracting
them. This leaves me tired, cranky, and hungry
for all the wrong things.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
The worst part about it is I can’t shut my brain off. It’s running a million miles an hour about
everything. My sick kids: one with a
yucky stomach bug, the other with asthma issues, not being able to sleep, why I
can’t sleep, my weight, the fact that I won’t make it to the gym again because
I’ll be home with two sick kids, the fact that I won’t be able to nap because I’ll
be home with two sick kids…. The list goes on and on. It’s freaking ridiculous.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m calling my doctor tomorrow and getting off Abilify. It’s disrupting my life. And I know from experience that you need to be
in charge of your own mental health.<o:p></o:p></div>Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-47400033993087963462012-03-07T05:22:00.000-06:002012-03-07T05:22:45.747-06:00New Med<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color:#558ED5;mso-themecolor:text2;mso-themetint: 153;mso-style-textfill-fill-color:#558ED5;mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: text2;mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha:100.0%;mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: "lumm=60000 lumo=40000""><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color:#558ED5;mso-themecolor:text2;mso-themetint: 153;mso-style-textfill-fill-color:#558ED5;mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: text2;mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha:100.0%;mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: "lumm=60000 lumo=40000"">So last week, I started Abilify, and I don’t know if I’m just getting used to it or what, But I gained back t5 of the 12 pounds that I lost, though it could be water weight. It’s so frustrating because I have been doing so well on my plan. I had a cheat day Saturday and was only over by 23 calories. I was at the gym 4 times last week and two days this week and it’s only Wednesday morning. I have no idea what to do about it either.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color:#558ED5;mso-themecolor:text2;mso-themetint: 153;mso-style-textfill-fill-color:#558ED5;mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: text2;mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha:100.0%;mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: "lumm=60000 lumo=40000"">On the plus side the hallucinations I have been having have lessened considerably, but the other problems , including insomnia, (I have been up since 2 a.m. – it’s 5 now), are worse. How much time do I give the medicine? I know we can do something about the insomnia, but if I’m going to have weight gain is it really worth it? Can I live with the hallucinations?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color:#558ED5;mso-themecolor:text2;mso-themetint: 153;mso-style-textfill-fill-color:#558ED5;mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: text2;mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha:100.0%;mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: "lumm=60000 lumo=40000"">I realize psychiatry isn’t an exact science and everybody is different, but I wish we could find that magic cocktail that would take away the problems and let me live a normal life. I want to be healthy. I want to be functional. I want to be a size 14 again. Is that really too much to ask?<o:p></o:p></span></p>Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-87236060944946287222012-02-29T12:27:00.000-06:002012-02-29T12:27:10.510-06:00health issuesSo I'm having health issues. First it was my leg, currently in a knee brace (I go see the orthopedic dr on Friday), now I'm being tested for Cushing's disease and diabetes, both which could have been aggravated by the seroquel. So glad I am off that evil stuff. I had a special blood test yesterday, and it will take three to four days for the results. Cushing's itself can cause diabetes, but there are other more severe complications. If I have it, I will most likely need to have my pituitary gland removed. That's Brain surgery. I'll say it again, BRAIN surgery. Please keep me in your thoughts as this is really stressful. Thanks.Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-30439736639895045162012-02-18T05:44:00.003-06:002012-02-18T05:49:51.928-06:00You take the good, you take the bad<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So after working for a better part of a year I am off Seroquel! My doctor said the weight loss will be
dramatic. I’m just gonna keep on keepin’
on with my weight loss plan – this week I lost 2.6 lbs and couldn’t be happier. I’m having dreams of fitting into my wedding
dress on vacation and having my friend take all kinds of awesome pictures of me
in my gown ten years later.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now the bad: I busted
my left knee somehow today – that’s the knee I tore ligaments in in high
school, broke when I was 29, and which has severe arthritis. So I’m immobilized and on crutches, and made
the mistake of accepting the morphine at the hospital so I have not slept at
all. But my gym offers sitting workout
classes, so I will check those out when I’m okay to drive. *sigh*.
It’s so fun being me.<o:p></o:p></div>Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-75763253014220761772012-02-03T05:22:00.003-06:002012-02-03T05:27:49.912-06:00Returning to my weight loss journey<div class="MsoNormal">After my weight loss journey ended with the lap band, I felt free, and I ate like crap. I ended up gaining my weight back with the help of Seroquel. About a month ago, my BFF suggested I join Myfitnesspal.com. I joined a new gym with lots of water classes (Because of my knee and fibromyalgia water exercise is best). And although I have not lost weight yet, I have exercised 10 times in 20 days, made new friends on the message boards that keep me motivated, and (the most exciting part) will be off Seroquel in a few weeks. I’m so proud of myself for my change of attitude. Stay tuned.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<br />
</div>Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-69837858858257071022011-08-14T07:39:00.002-05:002011-08-14T07:39:58.393-05:00Food Angel Vs. Food Devil<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">So now I’m back to eating “real food”, which means its’ now up to me to make the right choices, since I know I won’t get sick. It’s almost a war between what I want and what is good for me.<span> </span>So I bran to the grocery store at 6:30 this morning to get the chicken and nectarines were on sale as well as a newspaper for my coupons,<span> </span>Then the man in front of me was checking out donuts.<span> </span>In my best Homer Simpson impression, I thought “mmm, donuts”, and I went straight to the bakery and bought one for each of us.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">The FD (Food devil) <span> </span>side said ”Lets get the crème filled chocolate covered long john.<span> </span>It’s the biggest one!”, while the FA (Food angel) Reminded me of my food journal. “You don’t really want to write down a donut do you?<span> </span>(I think she sort of sounds like my mom, who was always critical of my weight.) So I compromised – ½ a circle chocolate covered crème donut.<span> </span>Yes it still has to go in my food journal, but I feel by giving in a little now I stopped a huge binge later.<span> </span>Isn’t balance what it’s all about?<o:p></o:p></div>Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-10600407909851873842011-08-12T19:13:00.002-05:002011-08-12T19:13:40.547-05:00The end of Journey with my Lap-Band<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">I started with such great expectations.<span> </span>In 2009, the Lap-Band system for gastric banding made by Allergan was going to be my savior.<span> </span>At first it was, I had the surgery March 22, 2010 and I rapidly lost about 50 pounds, feeling better than ever.<span> </span>Then last August, I came to a stand-still. Despite following my diet and exercising at the Y, I stopped losing weight.<span> </span>I had gone from a 30/32 on top and a 26/28 on bottom to an 18/20 on top and a 22 on the bottom.<span> </span>Not exactly where I had planned to be, but doable, especially because I was going to lose more weight.<span> </span>Except that I didn’t.<span> </span>No, in all actuality, I gained about 10 pounds.<span> </span>And nothing else had changed except for some of my psychotropic medicines that I take for my multiple mental illness diagnoses.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">Then the dysphagia started.<span> </span>I got the stomach flu and couldn’t keep anything down in October.<span> </span>They loosened my band.<span> </span>In November, I went in for an adjustment and they took more fluid out.<span> </span>Of course I wasn’t losing weight without my tool.<span> </span>Yes, I blamed it on that and not the holiday cookies that slid down so easy.<span> </span>After the holidays, the vomiting started up again.<span> </span>Every time I ate anything healthy, it came right back up.<span> </span>I( was living on protein shakes, soup, and even those things didn’t always work.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">That’s when I started eating slider foods (food that would break down in my mouth like cookies and crackers), because that is what was staying down.<span> </span>I gained five more pounds.<span> </span>Every time I tried chicken or meatloaf, I would throw up violently.<span> </span>The one exception was fish.<span> </span>I could always eat fish, until I couldn’t.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">During this time my diet declined even further and I wasn’t even trying to eat something I couldn’t eat with a straw.<span> </span>Do you know how many calories you can take in with a straw?<span> </span>It was enough that I gained 3 more pounds, bringing weight lost to 38 lbs.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">So I went and had my band deflated more.<span> </span>Yet this time I was so blocked water didn’t make it through.<span> </span>That night the heartburn started.<span> </span>The lap-band is not recommended for patients with a history of heart-burn or GERD, yet this was never brought up to me when I applied for my surgery.<span> </span>Had I known I may have had a RNY stomach stapling procedure.<span> </span>I would wake up in the middle of the night my chest on fire.<span> </span>One night it was so bad I went to the ER thinking I was having a heart attack.<span> </span>There I learned that my lap-band had slipped. I saw my surgeon the next day, and he deflated me the rest of the way.<span> </span>Even this did not help.<span> </span>The heartburn was constant and by this point all I could keep down was water and a watered down protein shake.<span> </span>Yet on this diet, I waited another week.<span> </span>Then I saw my surgeon again.<span> </span>I told him I wanted my lap-band out, that I was done.<span> </span>It was at this moment that I felt at peace for the first time since I started having problems.<span> </span>I was taking charge of my life.<span> </span>I was going to eat again.<span> </span>I was going to have a quality life.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">This also meant that I had to be honest with myself.<span> </span>The lap-band and I had failed at the “miracle” that was going to make me thin.<span> </span>So I did some research, and I am astounded by some of the specifics.<span> </span>The lap band has almost a 40% 5-year failure rate, with failure being either a reoperation to fix the problem (6.3% band slippage) or less than a 25% excess weight loss<span> </span>(so 51.5 pounds, which I never reached, would have been my 25%).<span> </span>More staggering is the only 43% 7-year success rate, with a person losing 50% of the extra weight loss (about 103 lbs for me if I had been successful.).<span> </span>In fact, had I been successful, I would have still been<span> </span>an obese 235.<span> </span>According to the US National Library of Medicine and the National Institutes of Health, Gastric banding can “no longer be considered as the procedure of choice for obesity” (Obesity Surgery, July 2006).<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">I had the removal surgery on August 8, 2011.<span> </span>I stuck to liquids for the first few days, but enjoyed a bowl of strawberries and blueberries this afternoon.<span> </span>My family had pizza for dinner.<span> </span>I had one slice and am satisfied.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">So what is next for me?<span> </span>I’m considering Weight Watchers.<span> </span>I am also food and exercise journaling.<span> </span>Next Thursday I meet with an endocrinologist.<span> </span>Maybe she’ll have some answers.<span> </span>And maybe not.<span> </span>Maybe I’ll gain back<span> </span>the weight I lost.<span> </span>No one really knows.<span> </span>However in most cases it is calories in and calories out.<span> </span>A healthy life is the life I want, and now I know I am strong enough to make those choices.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">Resources:<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/sites/entrez?Db=pubmed&Cmd=ShowDetailView&TermToSearch=16839478&ordinalpos=2&itool=EntrezSystem2.PEntrez.Pubmed.Pubmed_ResultsPanel.Pubmed_RVDocSum">http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/sites/entrez?Db=pubmed&Cmd=ShowDetailView&TermToSearch=16839478&ordinalpos=2&itool=EntrezSystem2.PEntrez.Pubmed.Pubmed_ResultsPanel.Pubmed_RVDocSum</a><o:p></o:p></div>Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-69987489768675481722011-07-09T10:22:00.001-05:002011-07-09T10:22:19.353-05:00Thin by 35<div class="MsoNormal">Thin by 35.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That was my goal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Only I turned 35 on Wednesday, and I am not thin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thinner than when I started, but the same size I was last summer, give a few extra pounds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I disappointed? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do I have excuses?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are some of them valid?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh hell yes, I can validate and rationalize anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I’ve decided that I am stopping the rationalizations and starting whole hog again.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">I have a fill on Monday that I am not really looking forward to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My doctor had to drain my lap-band over several months because I was throwing up too much and suffering from acid reflux.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m happy to say that got under control, but then I started binge eating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was consumed by the thought of what I was going to eat next and when I was going to eat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cookies, chips, candy, ice cream and frosting all went down a little too easy and I stopped doing my protein shakes. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I ate almost as much dinner as the rest of my family, and though I limited bread, pasta, rice, cereal and other “carbs”, I was still taking in more than I put out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Speaking of putting out, I hardly exercise anymore because of my newly diagnosed Fibromyalgia and my possible rheumatoid Arthritis and hypothyroidism that leaves me too tired and sore (more excuses) not to exercise.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">So that’s it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sick of the crap that I have been allowing myself to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m back on the plan. I’m going to water walk in my pool at my apartment complex until it is too cold, and then I’ll switch to the Y.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m going to follow my prescribed diet, or maybe even inquire about getting the gastric sleeve.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thin by 35?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But thin by the end of 35?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m going to try.<o:p></o:p></div>Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-67023814642913680962011-03-24T20:37:00.002-05:002011-03-24T20:37:25.661-05:00News<div class="MsoNormal">It has now been over a year since I had my lap-band put in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I had to do it over again, I would have gone with the gastric bypass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I had, maybe I would have lost more than 50 lbs., I would not have had the problems with sliming that made me get the fluid let out of my band several times, and I would be able to eat better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, in another year depending how long it takes for me to lose 100 lbs., I may get the bypass anyway.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">In other news, I am now a NAMI Connection leader, meaning I co-facilitate a support group run by people with mental illness for people with mental illness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I spent the last weekend at training to learn all there needs to know to run the meetings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I loved the training, as it reminded me of grad school, and now I feel that I am able to give back to the systems that have helped me so much.<o:p></o:p></div>Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-84993845201265607882011-03-12T11:38:00.002-06:002011-03-12T11:38:42.403-06:00Idiot in office<div class="MsoNormal">Thought I would share this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seems that in New Hampshire, a representative is off his rocker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><a href="http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.addictinginfo.org%2F%3Fp%3D2754&h=827a8">http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.addictinginfo.org%2F%3Fp%3D2754&h=827a8</a><o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">According to him, I would be relocated to Siberia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What would my kids and husband do?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While I am disabled from mental illness, I am a contributing member of society.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was a teacher and school counselor before the onset of bi-polar disorder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I earned my MA degree in counseling with a 3.96 GPA.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I earned the disability that I receive.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">And I volunteer. I am on the board of my churches’ preschool.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Next weekend, I will be trained as a NAMI Connection leader.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will be working with my peers (who would also be shipped to Siberia), and helping provide support and resources to others with mental illness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would also like to point out that at the meeting I attend, I am the ONLY one on disability.<o:p></o:p></div>Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-75231665119608132232011-03-08T16:14:00.002-06:002011-03-08T16:14:39.568-06:00Lent<div class="MsoNormal">So, I have been thinking a lot about what I am going to give up or limit for Lent, and I think I am going to give up sugar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Really.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m going to give up sugar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I generally don’t have any added sugar to my coffee, but I LOVE my sweets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So for the next 40 days it will be sugar free or nothing for me!<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">Thank goodness that I can get my fix for something sweet through many items I can get sugar free, like the place down the street that makes amazing sugar free mochas and the fact that every ice cream brand has a sugar free equivalent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Heck, I even saw sugar-free peeps the other day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Does this mean that I’ll go crazy on Easter?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, maybe, but that’s okay too, as long as I only stick to that day.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">What will I need to change?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, there will be no handful of kids’ cereal as I pour my daughter her daily dose of whatever I have in the house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My yogurt will have to be sugar-free.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After dinner desert will be sugar free, but thank goodness for my recipe for sugar-free vanilla egg custard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe this will help me continue my downward trend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After MONTHS of a plateau, I lost 4 pounds of the six I have regained.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve also added extra exercise lately, and I am focusing on getting the protein I need.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please pray for me as I do this, as it will be hard for such a sugar-junkie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll post how things are going as they enfold.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-72994300806176971482011-03-05T12:22:00.002-06:002011-03-05T12:22:32.759-06:00Just Say No<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">How many people have a hard time with the title?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lately, it seems to be one of my biggest challenges.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve overextended myself, and with the resulting stress, I have been putting plenty of stuff in my mouth that doesn’t belong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet another way that I am having trouble saying no.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not able to tell myself no, and as we speak, my husband is running out to get fast food for his and the kids’ lunch, AND a milkshake for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why? Because right now, I just can’t say no to my milkshake craving.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">The one place I have been able to say no is top exercise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My family had the Norovirus this week (a conglomerate of tummy bugs with slight fevers and LOTS of chills).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t keep anything down except soup for days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so weak, I didn’t exercise until Thursday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I didn’t exercise on Friday and I haven’t so far exercised today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know I need to especially because I WILL drink the whole milkshake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I don’t want to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m tired and I’m grumpy and I just want to nap.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But first, let me wait for my milkshake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I get up from my nap, then I’ll re-evaluate my exercise, and I did promise a trip to the YMCA pool.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And as I’ve said I’m having a hard time saying no.<o:p></o:p></div>Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-85380843247836665082011-02-18T06:52:00.002-06:002011-02-18T06:52:45.343-06:00New Computer<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So our old Laptop from my husband’s law school days took a dive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A BIG one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We may have lost years of pictures and I have lost all the blog posts that I have saved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Luckily I post almost everything online.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But still, it was nerve racking and I told him to just go get a new computer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So here we have it – an emachine from Wal-Mart that I believe is going to suit me just fine.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">Things have been a little strange lately.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m having issues with my mood swings, and I’m extremely tired form the beta blockers I am now on to prevent migraines.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wonder if they’re related.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I go to the psychologist today and the psychiatrist Monday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve also had a few pounds of regain. And other than not seeming to be able to say no to chocolate and being back on a higher dose of Seroquel, I am not sure why.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s been a struggle.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">But I exercised yesterday and then couldn’t sleep at night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or was that the mocha light Frappuccino from Starbucks?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not sure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I’ll keep on trucking like always.<o:p></o:p></div>Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-77060637404403185182011-01-31T15:39:00.002-06:002011-01-31T15:39:41.204-06:00Finding my lost mojo…<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">After struggling so severely to get myself on track, my friends and husband rallied around me and I got my mojo back!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On Friday, I felt like I was having a mixed episode of my bipolar 1 disorder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was cranky and depressed feeling with racing thoughts that just wouldn’t slow down. I had a buzzing head, “brain zaps”, and a sour stomach.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure the combo of not sleeping coupled with the 200 drop in meds made it worse.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So I called B., my best friend in our new(er) city, and she suggested that I exercise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t want to (I was too cranky, tired, etc.), but she made me promise to get going for at least fifteen minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I grabbed an 18 minute 1 mile walking video.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then when I was finished I had found my missing mojo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went to see my psychiatrist that night, and he explained that Seroqual (the drug we are taking me off) plugs dopamine receptors in the brain, so then the brain makes more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With Seroqual if you go down too fast, those dopamine receptors go on high speed, which totally explained those pesky mixed episode feelings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So he put me back up 100 milligrams, and after two days of sleeping through the night, I am myself again, with a twist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mojo hasn’t left – I’ve been doing the walking video then finding a 10-15minute work out on Exercise TV on demand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now if I only knew where my cleaning mojo has gone…</div>Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-19135746858520253192011-01-28T17:23:00.002-06:002011-01-28T17:23:28.936-06:00Struggling<div class="MsoNormal">Struggling</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I haven’t written I think at all in the last month, and most of that is because I am struggling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m struggling to get in some exercise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m struggling to say no to chocolate and other treats.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m struggling with severe withdrawal symptoms as my doctor and I wean me from my Seroqual, which, we both believe, has served its purpose in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, the withdrawal symptoms are more than I bargained for: Buzzing head, severe headaches, insomnia that even Ambian can’t touch, horrible mood swings, “Brain zaps”… I could go on and on, but I won’t.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">With this struggle I am getting a lot of support.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two of my best friends call to check on me daily and are available by phone for me if I need extra support.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did not sleep at all on Wednesday night, so my husband stayed home so I could sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My kids have helped me out around the house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On facebook, old friends are vocalizing their support – especially ones that have been on psychotropic drugs themselves.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">But I need a kickstart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Today I was watching Heavy, the new show on A&E.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My youngest looked at the woman who was at her “before” and said, “she’s skinny like you”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The woman was NOT skinny.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She also weighed as much as I do right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So after I get through this withdrawal, I’m recommitting myself to my weight-loss journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No more comfort food.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Exercise at least 30 minutes everyday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But first, the withdrawal.</div>Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-70719529964825147972011-01-08T19:58:00.000-06:002011-01-08T19:58:17.824-06:00Ennui or I don't know what's wrongI'm having one of those days. It's cold, it's gray, my plans changed, which is okay, but I'm bored, lonely for my friends, and just, well, blah! I feel like I should be getting stuff done, and well, we did take down Christmas stuff, rearrange furniture, and clean, and truthfully, I love it, but I just can't shake this feeling.<br />
<br />
Right now, as MK Mueller would say, I am 5%-ing. I need to find a way to get myself to a 95. So I'm going to cuddle my kids and read Mo Willams books. That's something that will make me, and my kids, smile.Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-11194971611691619302010-12-31T19:02:00.002-06:002010-12-31T19:02:23.203-06:00New Years Intentions<div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">I've been listening to my MK Mueller 8 to great cds again and I have decided that instead of making resolutions, I am creating a list of intentions. Everyone says that resolutions don't work, but everyone from Socrates to Jesus, to Rhonda Byrnes (The secret), and Mk Mueller talk about the law of intentions. "Ask and ye shall recieve", "Believe it and you can achieve it", etc. etc... What this means is if we talk about the things that we want (our intentions), and then ask for them, or "intend" for them to happen, they will. This exercise is especially powerful if you write them down - you have thought about it, you have made it known to God, and you can reread it, enforcing your intentions every day! I even posted my list on the fridge!. </div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">So here are my list of intentions for the nest year. What are yours?</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">List of Intentions</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><ol style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 25px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 0px;"><li>I will get rid of 70 more pounds.</li>
<li>I will be approved for a tummy tuck.</li>
<li>We will find and move into our dream house with finished basement, 4 bedrooms, gourmet kitchen, living and family rooms, and big backyard ready for cookouts.</li>
<li>I will get off Seroqual.</li>
<li>I will be more organized.</li>
<li>My apartment and house will be clean.</li>
<li>I will exercise 4 times a week.</li>
<li>Money will come freely to us and we will manage it the best we ever have.</li>
<li>I will continue to be patient and loving with everyone I come in contact.</li>
<li>Energy runs smoothly through me so I can accomplish my goals during the day and sleep peacefully at night.</li>
<li></li>
</ol>Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-88553454061274156312010-12-25T18:16:00.000-06:002010-12-25T18:16:41.913-06:00Stress and the HolidaysWe moved 5 states away from our home state in October 2009 for my husband's FABULOUS job. For the most part, it has been a wonderful transition. We have made friends, I'm busy with MOPS and Weight-loss Surgery support group, NAMI, and volunteering at my children's schools. They are getting a wonderful education, I love where we live, and the medical care here is top notch. There is just one hitch: I miss home.<br />
<br />
Over the last two weeks while my Grandma was dying, I would have given anything to be able to have been there. When she died, I felt helpless as I live so far away. Today was equally as hard. My oldest daughter is named after both of my grandmas. She was given a My American Girl Doll from Santa, and reversed her name to name her doll after herself (and my grandmothers). That was hard.<br />
<br />
Then came the meals. Monkey bread is our traditional Christmas morning breakfast, and I cut up the pineapple Santa brought my youngest (she requested it!). I could eat the pineapple, but the monkeybread was another story. For lunch I made canned soup, and half of it stayed. I stayed away from the rest of the treats to make sure I didn't get sick. For dinner, the ham, cheesy mashed potatoes, and homemade apple sauce were okay, but I felt myself longing for the ethnic food that was being served at my parents, food that I am sure I will not be able to eat until at least next year or so.<br />
<br />
So now I am down. I miss my family of origin and my extended family and the craziness that happens when you are all together with lots of kids. For my children, I miss that they don't have access to their grandparents besides the phone calls. Maybe it's the letdown, or the fact that after the presents were open by 7:30, I had a normal day of cooking and cleaning. I will say though that my family did spoil me and that was nice, I just wish I would have been able to hold onto that feeling today.Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-19340088565659772922010-12-21T15:07:00.000-06:002010-12-21T15:07:06.251-06:00On death and dyingGrandma died at 8:05 pm eastern standard time last night. I was in the store at 7:05 pm central time and noticed the clock. Then I went back to shopping. When Dad called me last night to tell me, I felt numb all over. Maybe I just didn't know what to do. Maybe the shock was more that I expected. It's been a while since the death of someone close, and unfortunately, as I posted before, Grandma and I were not close.<br />
<br />
Then I realized I sent Grandma a Christmas card in the bubble mailer I sent my dad. I emailed him to tell him to give the enclosed pictures to his brother, another person I have been estranged from. After that I talked to my sister, facebooked my brother, called my best friend, cuddled with my husband and went to bed. A half-hour later, I awoke from a crazy, vivid dream. My girls were laughing and playing with a beautiful dollhouse, just like the ones that my grandma used to make. I had this overwhelming feeling that Grandma wanted my girls to play with a dollhouse that she made. I quick emailed my dad, then went back to bed. It was a long night, full of pondering and prayer, but I felt as if Grandma was at peace.<br />
<br />
This morning I learned that my grandma is being cremated and there will be a memorial for her mid-January. I've been working with my budget to find a a way to get to my home state. My best friend has already invited me to stay with her, it's just a matter of creative financing for the airline ticket.<br />
<br />
On one hand, I am so glad that she is out of pain. On the other hand I (selfishly) wish that I could have said goodbye. I'm wondering also if this means that I will have anniversary grief near Christmas each year. I don't know. I guess I'll just wait and see.Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-7467573260984741172010-12-16T06:29:00.000-06:002010-12-16T06:29:00.702-06:00GrandmaI have one living grandparent. Grandma Grace is 82 years old. She was just 18 when she had my dad, who was 29 when he had me. I'm her eldest grandchild, but she and I have never had a very close relationship. This is not for my lack of trying. I had some time in my life when I would go to visit her on my own. This was mostly before I was married and had children. In fact, she has never met my youngest, and she is already five years old.<br />
<br />
Grandma is sort of a recluse. She is always invited to my dad's house for holidays, BBQs, etc. but always declines. When we returned to our home state for a visit this last summer, we invited her to a BBQ at my dad's house, and she did not come. I was sad about it, but I figured, hey, that's just Grandma. Now I wish I would have pushed.<br />
<br />
Grandma is currently in the ICU at a local hospital. She has had a stroke and has been diagnosed with Guillain-Barre, a condition in which she is paralyzed from a virus. She is currently on life support, and has a ventilator breathing for her. She also has congestive heart failure. The saddest part is that even if I wanted to "go home" and see her, I can't, and I feel she doesn't really want to see me.<br />
<br />
You see, the last time we spoke, I had just been released from a mental ward. I had just been in the ward for severe suicidal depression and major bipolar racing thoughts. I had moved in with my father and stepmother, away from my husband and children, so that I could recover. Our last conversation went something like this Grandma: "Well, you can't just sit around all day." Me: "I've applied for Social Security disability. I have to just wait.". <br />
<br />
Grandma's generation was full of stigma against mental illness. The fact that her once overly capable eldest grandchild, with a master's degree in counseling, for Pete's sake, could no longer support herself, or her family, I think was too much for her. Thank goodness we live in a time where mental illness, while still stigmatized, is becoming more accepted. I thank groups like NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) and DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance) in supporting the fact that people with mental illnesses are not just the bums you see on the street, but upstanding members of society who , just like you, pay there taxes, volunteer, and contribute to society at large. I may not be able to have a job right now, but I am doing a bang up job of raising two beautiful, smart, talented, and sensitive little girls. Because of what they have seen Mommy do, they treat everyone with dignity and respect. We have very frank conversations about all types of people: race, religion, denominations, disabilities, and i have never once had to worry that they would treat anyone (outside of each other or the occasional best friend/worst enemy) with respect. And I am very proud of this. I just hope that I will be able to show this to Grandma.Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-32565144129871155732010-11-30T09:14:00.002-06:002010-11-30T09:14:40.559-06:00New med news!<div class="MsoNormal">I’ve had an exciting few weeks when it comes to both my mental health and my weight-loss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The reason it’s so exciting is because it’s related.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A few weeks ago, I went to my psychiatrist and we decided to lower my level of the atypical antipsychotic Seroqual.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, Seroqual has been my life saver.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Three years ago, when I was last hospitalized for bipolar issues, we started me on the medication.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Over the last three years, I have had my level raised until I was on the maximum dose available.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My current psychiatrist took a look at that and the side effects I’ve experienced (130 lb weight gain, high cholesterol and triglycerides, and pre-diabetes), and told me when the time was right, we would back me off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And so it has started.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Last week, I started backing off my dose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had some withdrawal symptoms (upset stomach, trouble sleeping, feeling “out of it”), but I tried to balance this out by sticking to my diet, adding extra exercise, and keeping to my sleep schedule.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This week, I feel great.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m more alert, have more energy and the scale has started going down again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, this past weekend, I had to go clothes shopping.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I bought a size 22 pair of jeans, smaller band bra, and a size 18/20 shirt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s a drop of 5 sizes on the bottom and 6 sizes on top, and a 4 inch drop in band size for my bra since March 22!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not too shabby!</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">For the next several months, I will be dropping off my Seroqual 100 mgs at a time, giving myself a little more than a month to get “level”, before we move me down the next step.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So far so good!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Altogether, this may take about 45 weeks, but it is totally worth it!</div>Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4697092640113721097.post-56508260669226014722010-11-17T06:26:00.002-06:002010-11-17T06:26:57.881-06:00Gratitude<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal">This time of year, gratitude and thankfulness are on the minds of many people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since I listened to MK Mueller’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">8 to Great</i>, I have been practicing her suggestion of writing down three things each morning when you get up that you are thankful for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only stipulation is that they cannot be repeated. </div><div class="MsoNormal">However, as I complete his exercise every morning (it’s good for the heart), I find that my thoughts during the day stay positive, and if behavior follows thoughts, this means that my behavior patterns are also more towards the positive,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do a better job of having positive behavior, such as, even though I don’t feel well, after I rest I can pick up the living room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I eat food that is better for my body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have not been exercising intentionally because I have bronchial pneumonia, but I have been looking for smaller ways to be active.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So I challenge you to list 3 things you are thankful for every morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It might just change your life as it has done with mine.</div>Weightloss Nutjobhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03262612914630078716noreply@blogger.com0