Finding my lost mojo…

After struggling so severely to get myself on track, my friends and husband rallied around me and I got my mojo back!  On Friday, I felt like I was having a mixed episode of my bipolar 1 disorder.  I was cranky and depressed feeling with racing thoughts that just wouldn’t slow down. I had a buzzing head, “brain zaps”, and a sour stomach.  I’m sure the combo of not sleeping coupled with the 200 drop in meds made it worse.

So I called B., my best friend in our new(er) city, and she suggested that I exercise.  I didn’t want to (I was too cranky, tired, etc.), but she made me promise to get going for at least fifteen minutes.  So I grabbed an 18 minute 1 mile walking video.  Then when I was finished I had found my missing mojo.  I went to see my psychiatrist that night, and he explained that Seroqual (the drug we are taking me off) plugs dopamine receptors in the brain, so then the brain makes more.  With Seroqual if you go down too fast, those dopamine receptors go on high speed, which totally explained those pesky mixed episode feelings.  So he put me back up 100 milligrams, and after two days of sleeping through the night, I am myself again, with a twist.  My mojo hasn’t left – I’ve been doing the walking video then finding a 10-15minute work out on Exercise TV on demand.  Now if I only knew where my cleaning mojo has gone…

Struggling

Struggling

I haven’t written I think at all in the last month, and most of that is because I am struggling.  I’m struggling to get in some exercise.  I’m struggling to say no to chocolate and other treats.  I’m struggling with severe withdrawal symptoms as my doctor and I wean me from my Seroqual, which, we both believe, has served its purpose in my life.  However, the withdrawal symptoms are more than I bargained for: Buzzing head, severe headaches, insomnia that even Ambian can’t touch, horrible mood swings, “Brain zaps”… I could go on and on, but I won’t.

With this struggle I am getting a lot of support.  Two of my best friends call to check on me daily and are available by phone for me if I need extra support.  I did not sleep at all on Wednesday night, so my husband stayed home so I could sleep.  My kids have helped me out around the house.  On facebook, old friends are vocalizing their support – especially ones that have been on psychotropic drugs themselves.

But I need a kickstart.  Today I was watching Heavy, the new show on A&E.  My youngest looked at the woman who was at her “before” and said, “she’s skinny like you”.  The woman was NOT skinny.  She also weighed as much as I do right now.  So after I get through this withdrawal, I’m recommitting myself to my weight-loss journey.  No more comfort food.  Exercise at least 30 minutes everyday.  But first, the withdrawal.

Ennui or I don't know what's wrong

I'm having one of those days.  It's cold, it's gray, my plans changed, which is okay, but I'm bored, lonely for my friends, and just, well, blah!  I feel like I should be getting stuff done, and well, we did take down Christmas stuff, rearrange furniture, and clean, and truthfully, I love it, but I just can't shake this feeling.

Right now, as MK Mueller would say, I am 5%-ing.  I need to find a way to get myself to a 95.  So I'm going to cuddle my kids and read Mo Willams books.  That's something that will make me, and my kids, smile.