New Years Intentions

I've been listening to my MK Mueller 8 to great cds again and I have decided that instead of making resolutions, I am creating a list of intentions.  Everyone says that resolutions don't work, but everyone from Socrates to Jesus, to Rhonda Byrnes (The secret), and Mk Mueller talk about the law of intentions.  "Ask and ye shall recieve", "Believe it and you can achieve it", etc. etc... What this means is if we talk about the things that we want (our intentions), and then ask for them, or "intend" for them to happen, they will.  This exercise is especially powerful if you write them down - you have thought about it, you have made it known to God, and you can reread it, enforcing your intentions every day!  I even posted my list on the fridge!.  

So here are my list of intentions for the nest year.  What are yours?

List of Intentions

1. I will get rid of 70 more pounds.
2. I will be approved for a tummy tuck.
3. We will find and move into our dream house with finished basement, 4 bedrooms, gourmet kitchen, living and family rooms, and big backyard ready for cookouts.
4. I will get off Seroqual.
5. I will be more organized.
6. My apartment and house will be clean.
7. I will exercise 4 times a week.
8. Money will come freely to us and we will manage it the best we ever have.
9. I will continue to be patient and loving with everyone I come in contact.
10. Energy runs smoothly through me so I can accomplish my goals during the day and sleep peacefully at night.

Stress and the Holidays

We moved 5 states away from our home state in October 2009 for my husband's FABULOUS job.  For the most part, it has been a wonderful transition.  We have made friends, I'm busy with MOPS and Weight-loss Surgery support group, NAMI, and volunteering at my children's schools.  They are getting a wonderful education, I love where we live, and the medical care here is top notch.  There is just one hitch:  I miss home.

Over the last two weeks while my Grandma was dying, I would have given anything to be able to have been there.  When she died, I felt helpless as I live so far away.  Today was equally as hard.  My oldest daughter is named after both of my grandmas.  She was given a My American Girl Doll from Santa, and reversed her name to name her doll after herself (and my grandmothers).  That was hard.

Then came the meals.  Monkey bread is our traditional Christmas morning breakfast, and I cut up the pineapple Santa brought my youngest (she requested it!).  I could eat the pineapple, but the monkeybread was another story. For lunch I made canned soup, and half of it stayed.  I stayed away from the rest of the treats to make sure I didn't get sick.  For dinner, the  ham, cheesy mashed potatoes, and homemade apple sauce were okay, but I felt myself longing for the ethnic food that was being served at my parents, food that I am sure I will not be able to eat until at least next year or so.

So now I am down.  I miss my family of origin and my extended family and the craziness that happens when you are all together with lots of kids.  For my children, I miss that they don't have access to their grandparents besides the phone calls.  Maybe it's the letdown, or the fact that after the presents were open by 7:30, I had a normal day of cooking and cleaning.  I will say though that my family did spoil me and that was nice, I just wish I would have been able to hold onto that feeling today.

On death and dying

Grandma died at 8:05 pm eastern standard time last night.  I was in the store at 7:05 pm central time and noticed the clock.  Then I went back to shopping.  When Dad called me last night to tell me, I felt numb all over.  Maybe I just didn't know what to do.  Maybe the shock was more that I expected.  It's been a while since the death of someone close, and unfortunately, as I posted before, Grandma and I were not close.

Then I realized I sent Grandma a Christmas card in the bubble mailer I sent my dad.  I emailed him to tell him to give the enclosed pictures to his brother, another person I have been estranged from.  After that I talked to my sister, facebooked my brother, called my best friend, cuddled with my husband and went to bed.  A half-hour later, I awoke from a crazy, vivid dream.  My girls were laughing and playing with a beautiful dollhouse, just like the ones that my grandma used to make.  I had this overwhelming feeling that Grandma wanted my girls to play with a dollhouse that she made.  I quick emailed my dad, then went back to bed.  It was a long night, full of pondering and prayer, but I felt as if Grandma was at peace.

This morning I learned that my grandma is being cremated and there will be a  memorial for her mid-January.  I've been working with my budget to find a a way to get to my home state.  My best friend has already invited me to stay with her, it's just a matter of creative financing for the airline ticket.

On one hand, I am so glad that she is out of pain.  On the other hand I (selfishly) wish that I could have said goodbye.  I'm wondering also if this means that I will have anniversary grief near Christmas each year.  I don't know.  I guess I'll just wait and see.

Grandma

I have one living grandparent.  Grandma Grace is 82 years old.  She was just 18 when she had my dad, who was 29 when he had me.  I'm her eldest grandchild, but she and I have never had a very close relationship.  This is not for my lack of trying.  I had some time in my life when I would go to visit her on my own.  This was mostly before I was married and had children.  In fact, she has never met my youngest, and she is already five years old.

Grandma is sort of a recluse.  She is always invited to my dad's house for holidays, BBQs, etc. but always declines.  When we returned to our home state for a visit this last summer, we invited her to a BBQ at my dad's house, and she did not come.  I was sad about it, but I figured, hey, that's just Grandma.  Now I wish I would have pushed.

Grandma is currently in the ICU at a local hospital.  She has had a stroke and has been diagnosed with Guillain-Barre, a condition in which she is paralyzed from a virus.  She is currently on life support, and has a ventilator breathing for her.  She also has congestive heart failure.  The saddest part is that even if I wanted to "go home" and see her, I can't, and I feel she doesn't really want to see me.

You see, the last time we spoke, I had just been released from a mental ward.  I had just been in the ward for severe suicidal depression and major bipolar racing thoughts.  I had moved in with my father and stepmother, away from my husband and children, so that I could recover.  Our last conversation went something like this Grandma: "Well, you can't just sit around all day."  Me: "I've applied for Social Security disability.  I have to just wait.".

Grandma's generation was full of stigma against mental illness.  The fact that her once overly capable eldest grandchild, with a master's degree in counseling, for Pete's sake, could no longer support herself, or her family, I think was too much for her.  Thank goodness we live in a time where mental illness, while still stigmatized, is becoming more accepted.  I thank groups like NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) and DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance) in supporting the fact that people with mental illnesses are not just the bums you see on the street, but upstanding members of society who , just like you, pay there taxes, volunteer, and contribute to society at large.  I may not be able to have a job right now, but I am doing a bang up job of raising two beautiful, smart, talented, and sensitive little girls.  Because of what they have seen Mommy do, they treat everyone with dignity and respect.  We have very frank conversations about all types of people: race, religion, denominations, disabilities, and i have never once had to worry that they would treat anyone (outside of each other or the occasional best friend/worst enemy) with respect.  And I am very proud of this.  I just hope that I will be able to show this to Grandma.