Food Angel Vs. Food Devil

So now I’m back to eating “real food”, which means its’ now up to me to make the right choices, since I know I won’t get sick. It’s almost a war between what I want and what is good for me.  So I bran to the grocery store at 6:30 this morning to get the chicken and nectarines were on sale as well as a newspaper for my coupons,  Then the man in front of me was checking out donuts.  In my best Homer Simpson impression, I thought “mmm, donuts”, and I went straight to the bakery and bought one for each of us.

The FD (Food devil)  side said ”Lets get the crème filled chocolate covered long john.  It’s the biggest one!”, while the FA (Food angel) Reminded me of my food journal. “You don’t really want to write down a donut do you?  (I think she sort of sounds like my mom, who was always critical of my weight.) So I compromised – ½ a circle chocolate covered crème donut.  Yes it still has to go in my food journal, but I feel by giving in a little now I stopped a huge binge later.  Isn’t balance what it’s all about?

The end of Journey with my Lap-Band

I started with such great expectations.  In 2009, the Lap-Band system for gastric banding made by Allergan was going to be my savior.  At first it was, I had the surgery March 22, 2010 and I rapidly lost about 50 pounds, feeling better than ever.  Then last August, I came to a stand-still. Despite following my diet and exercising at the Y, I stopped losing weight.  I had gone from a 30/32 on top and a 26/28 on bottom to an 18/20 on top and a 22 on the bottom.  Not exactly where I had planned to be, but doable, especially because I was going to lose more weight.  Except that I didn’t.  No, in all actuality, I gained about 10 pounds.  And nothing else had changed except for some of my psychotropic medicines that I take for my multiple mental illness diagnoses.

Then the dysphagia started.  I got the stomach flu and couldn’t keep anything down in October.  They loosened my band.  In November, I went in for an adjustment and they took more fluid out.  Of course I wasn’t losing weight without my tool.  Yes, I blamed it on that and not the holiday cookies that slid down so easy.  After the holidays, the vomiting started up again.  Every time I ate anything healthy, it came right back up.  I( was living on protein shakes, soup, and even those things didn’t always work.

That’s when I started eating slider foods (food that would break down in my mouth like cookies and crackers), because that is what was staying down.  I gained five more pounds.  Every time I tried chicken or meatloaf, I would throw up violently.  The one exception was fish.  I could always eat fish, until I couldn’t.

During this time my diet declined even further and I wasn’t even trying to eat something I couldn’t eat with a straw.  Do you know how many calories you can take in with a straw?  It was enough that I gained 3 more pounds, bringing weight lost to 38 lbs.

So I went and had my band deflated more.  Yet this time I was so blocked water didn’t make it through.  That night the heartburn started.  The lap-band is not recommended for patients with a history of heart-burn or GERD, yet this was never brought up to me when I applied for my surgery.  Had I known I may have had a RNY stomach stapling procedure.  I would wake up in the middle of the night my chest on fire.  One night it was so bad I went to the ER thinking I was having a heart attack.  There I learned that my lap-band had slipped. I saw my surgeon the next day, and he deflated me the rest of the way.  Even this did not help.  The heartburn was constant and by this point all I could keep down was water and a watered down protein shake.  Yet on this diet, I waited another week.  Then I saw my surgeon again.  I told him I wanted my lap-band out, that I was done.  It was at this moment that I felt at peace for the first time since I started having problems.  I was taking charge of my life.  I was going to eat again.  I was going to have a quality life.

This also meant that I had to be honest with myself.  The lap-band and I had failed at the “miracle” that was going to make me thin.  So I did some research, and I am astounded by some of the specifics.  The lap band has almost a 40% 5-year failure rate, with failure being either a reoperation to fix the problem (6.3% band slippage) or less than a 25% excess weight loss  (so 51.5 pounds, which I never reached, would have been my 25%).  More staggering is the only 43% 7-year success rate, with a person losing 50% of the extra weight loss (about 103 lbs for me if I had been successful.).  In fact, had I been successful, I would have still been  an obese 235.  According to the US National Library of Medicine and the National Institutes of Health, Gastric banding can “no longer be considered as the procedure of choice for obesity” (Obesity Surgery, July 2006).

I had the removal surgery on August 8, 2011.  I stuck to liquids for the first few days, but enjoyed a bowl of strawberries and blueberries this afternoon.  My family had pizza for dinner.  I had one slice and am satisfied.

So what is next for me?  I’m considering Weight Watchers.  I am also food and exercise journaling.  Next Thursday I meet with an endocrinologist.  Maybe she’ll have some answers.  And maybe not.  Maybe I’ll gain back  the weight I lost.  No one really knows.  However in most cases it is calories in and calories out.  A healthy life is the life I want, and now I know I am strong enough to make those choices.

Resources:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/sites/entrez?Db=pubmed&Cmd=ShowDetailView&TermToSearch=16839478&ordinalpos=2&itool=EntrezSystem2.PEntrez.Pubmed.Pubmed_ResultsPanel.Pubmed_RVDocSum

Thin by 35

Thin by 35.  That was my goal.  Only I turned 35 on Wednesday, and I am not thin.  Thinner than when I started, but the same size I was last summer, give a few extra pounds.   Am I disappointed?  Yes.   Do I have excuses?  Yes.  Are some of them valid?  Oh hell yes, I can validate and rationalize anything.  But I’ve decided that I am stopping the rationalizations and starting whole hog again.

I have a fill on Monday that I am not really looking forward to.  My doctor had to drain my lap-band over several months because I was throwing up too much and suffering from acid reflux.  I’m happy to say that got under control, but then I started binge eating.  I was consumed by the thought of what I was going to eat next and when I was going to eat.  Cookies, chips, candy, ice cream and frosting all went down a little too easy and I stopped doing my protein shakes.   I ate almost as much dinner as the rest of my family, and though I limited bread, pasta, rice, cereal and other “carbs”, I was still taking in more than I put out.  Speaking of putting out, I hardly exercise anymore because of my newly diagnosed Fibromyalgia and my possible rheumatoid Arthritis and hypothyroidism that leaves me too tired and sore (more excuses) not to exercise.

So that’s it.  I’m sick of the crap that I have been allowing myself to do.  I’m back on the plan. I’m going to water walk in my pool at my apartment complex until it is too cold, and then I’ll switch to the Y.  I’m going to follow my prescribed diet, or maybe even inquire about getting the gastric sleeve.  Thin by 35?  No.  But thin by the end of 35?  I’m going to try.

News

It has now been over a year since I had my lap-band put in.  If I had to do it over again, I would have gone with the gastric bypass.  If I had, maybe I would have lost more than 50 lbs., I would not have had the problems with sliming that made me get the fluid let out of my band several times, and I would be able to eat better.  In fact, in another year depending how long it takes for me to lose 100 lbs., I may get the bypass anyway.

In other news, I am now a NAMI Connection leader, meaning I co-facilitate a support group run by people with mental illness for people with mental illness.  I spent the last weekend at training to learn all there needs to know to run the meetings.  I loved the training, as it reminded me of grad school, and now I feel that I am able to give back to the systems that have helped me so much.

Idiot in office

Thought I would share this.  It seems that in New Hampshire, a representative is off his rocker.  http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.addictinginfo.org%2F%3Fp%3D2754&h=827a8

According to him, I would be relocated to Siberia.  What would my kids and husband do?  While I am disabled from mental illness, I am a contributing member of society.  I was a teacher and school counselor before the onset of bi-polar disorder.  I earned my MA degree in counseling with a 3.96 GPA.  I earned the disability that I receive.

And I volunteer. I am on the board of my churches’ preschool.   Next weekend, I will be trained as a NAMI Connection leader.  I will be working with my peers (who would also be shipped to Siberia), and helping provide support and resources to others with mental illness.  I would also like to point out that at the meeting I attend, I am the ONLY one on disability.

Lent

So, I have been thinking a lot about what I am going to give up or limit for Lent, and I think I am going to give up sugar.  No.  Really.  Me.  I’m going to give up sugar.  I generally don’t have any added sugar to my coffee, but I LOVE my sweets.  So for the next 40 days it will be sugar free or nothing for me!

Thank goodness that I can get my fix for something sweet through many items I can get sugar free, like the place down the street that makes amazing sugar free mochas and the fact that every ice cream brand has a sugar free equivalent.  Heck, I even saw sugar-free peeps the other day.  Does this mean that I’ll go crazy on Easter?  Well, maybe, but that’s okay too, as long as I only stick to that day.

What will I need to change?  Well, there will be no handful of kids’ cereal as I pour my daughter her daily dose of whatever I have in the house.  My yogurt will have to be sugar-free.  After dinner desert will be sugar free, but thank goodness for my recipe for sugar-free vanilla egg custard.  Maybe this will help me continue my downward trend.  After MONTHS of a plateau, I lost 4 pounds of the six I have regained.  I’ve also added extra exercise lately, and I am focusing on getting the protein I need.  Please pray for me as I do this, as it will be hard for such a sugar-junkie.  I’ll post how things are going as they enfold.  

Just Say No

How many people have a hard time with the title?  Lately, it seems to be one of my biggest challenges.  I’ve overextended myself, and with the resulting stress, I have been putting plenty of stuff in my mouth that doesn’t belong.  Yet another way that I am having trouble saying no.  I’m not able to tell myself no, and as we speak, my husband is running out to get fast food for his and the kids’ lunch, AND a milkshake for me.  Why? Because right now, I just can’t say no to my milkshake craving.

The one place I have been able to say no is top exercise.  My family had the Norovirus this week (a conglomerate of tummy bugs with slight fevers and LOTS of chills).  I couldn’t keep anything down except soup for days.  I was so weak, I didn’t exercise until Thursday.  Then I didn’t exercise on Friday and I haven’t so far exercised today.  I know I need to especially because I WILL drink the whole milkshake.  But I don’t want to.  I’m tired and I’m grumpy and I just want to nap.  But first, let me wait for my milkshake.  When I get up from my nap, then I’ll re-evaluate my exercise, and I did promise a trip to the YMCA pool.  And as I’ve said I’m having a hard time saying no.

New Computer

So our old Laptop from my husband’s law school days took a dive.   A BIG one.  We may have lost years of pictures and I have lost all the blog posts that I have saved.  Luckily I post almost everything online.  But still, it was nerve racking and I told him to just go get a new computer.  So here we have it – an emachine from Wal-Mart that I believe is going to suit me just fine.

Things have been a little strange lately.  I’m having issues with my mood swings, and I’m extremely tired form the beta blockers I am now on to prevent migraines.  I wonder if they’re related.  I go to the psychologist today and the psychiatrist Monday.  I’ve also had a few pounds of regain. And other than not seeming to be able to say no to chocolate and being back on a higher dose of Seroquel, I am not sure why.  It’s been a struggle.

But I exercised yesterday and then couldn’t sleep at night.  Or was that the mocha light Frappuccino from Starbucks?  I’m not sure.  But I’ll keep on trucking like always.

Finding my lost mojo…

After struggling so severely to get myself on track, my friends and husband rallied around me and I got my mojo back!  On Friday, I felt like I was having a mixed episode of my bipolar 1 disorder.  I was cranky and depressed feeling with racing thoughts that just wouldn’t slow down. I had a buzzing head, “brain zaps”, and a sour stomach.  I’m sure the combo of not sleeping coupled with the 200 drop in meds made it worse.

So I called B., my best friend in our new(er) city, and she suggested that I exercise.  I didn’t want to (I was too cranky, tired, etc.), but she made me promise to get going for at least fifteen minutes.  So I grabbed an 18 minute 1 mile walking video.  Then when I was finished I had found my missing mojo.  I went to see my psychiatrist that night, and he explained that Seroqual (the drug we are taking me off) plugs dopamine receptors in the brain, so then the brain makes more.  With Seroqual if you go down too fast, those dopamine receptors go on high speed, which totally explained those pesky mixed episode feelings.  So he put me back up 100 milligrams, and after two days of sleeping through the night, I am myself again, with a twist.  My mojo hasn’t left – I’ve been doing the walking video then finding a 10-15minute work out on Exercise TV on demand.  Now if I only knew where my cleaning mojo has gone…

Struggling

Struggling

I haven’t written I think at all in the last month, and most of that is because I am struggling.  I’m struggling to get in some exercise.  I’m struggling to say no to chocolate and other treats.  I’m struggling with severe withdrawal symptoms as my doctor and I wean me from my Seroqual, which, we both believe, has served its purpose in my life.  However, the withdrawal symptoms are more than I bargained for: Buzzing head, severe headaches, insomnia that even Ambian can’t touch, horrible mood swings, “Brain zaps”… I could go on and on, but I won’t.

With this struggle I am getting a lot of support.  Two of my best friends call to check on me daily and are available by phone for me if I need extra support.  I did not sleep at all on Wednesday night, so my husband stayed home so I could sleep.  My kids have helped me out around the house.  On facebook, old friends are vocalizing their support – especially ones that have been on psychotropic drugs themselves.

But I need a kickstart.  Today I was watching Heavy, the new show on A&E.  My youngest looked at the woman who was at her “before” and said, “she’s skinny like you”.  The woman was NOT skinny.  She also weighed as much as I do right now.  So after I get through this withdrawal, I’m recommitting myself to my weight-loss journey.  No more comfort food.  Exercise at least 30 minutes everyday.  But first, the withdrawal.

Ennui or I don't know what's wrong

I'm having one of those days.  It's cold, it's gray, my plans changed, which is okay, but I'm bored, lonely for my friends, and just, well, blah!  I feel like I should be getting stuff done, and well, we did take down Christmas stuff, rearrange furniture, and clean, and truthfully, I love it, but I just can't shake this feeling.

Right now, as MK Mueller would say, I am 5%-ing.  I need to find a way to get myself to a 95.  So I'm going to cuddle my kids and read Mo Willams books.  That's something that will make me, and my kids, smile.