Little Things

Since I have had my surgery, I have noticed that it’s not only the scale going down, or me dropping sizes like they are a hot pan straight from the oven, but there are lots of little things that I am feeling proud and happy about.

I am able to complete my exercise class and quick fit room at the YMCA several times a week with energy to spare. I am not embarrassed about the way I look in a swim suit. You can see the way my thigh muscles flex when I walk. My boobs are bigger than my tummy (But boo to the fact that they are now an A cup!). I am seeing a face that I haven’t seen since I got married, and I have been told by a member of my support group that my face is absolutely lovely. And here’s my favorite: I can clip my own toenails!!!!!!!!

I was so excited when I realized I can reach my toes to cut my nails, that I called my dad, sister, best friend and mother-in- law! My mother-in-law had gastric bypass surgery in 2006 and is now a size 8. She’s been my biggest champion! When I called her, I heard the pride in her voice. She told me this was one of the little things on a weight-loss journey that means so much. Yes. Yes it does.

C.H.O.I.CE.?

I know that I haven’t posted in a while. After being majorly manic after my surgery, my mood took quite a dip into a pretty bad depression. Getting my meds adjusted helped. I am now taking 900 mg of Seroqual, 10 mg of Ambian and 1 mg of Klonopin at bedtime (I was taking 1200 mg of Seroqual) and my Effexxor XR has been increased to 225 mg from 150 mg. I have been doing this now for almost a month and I can definitely feel the cloud lifting.

Anyway, Allergan, the people who make the Lap-Band have launched a new campaign in order for more people to realize that obesity itself, not the common side effects or obesity like Type 2 Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, High Cholesterol, and sleep apnea, is a disease. They are calling their new campaign C.H.O.I.C.E. Here is the webpage if you are interested in learning more. http://www.mychoicecampaign.com/?s_mcid=lb-em-003

As I have been reading more about the campaign, it really had me thinking. Did I make choices that led to my morbid obesity, or did the morbid obesity happen because I was destined to be fat? The C.H.O.I.C.E. campaign states that obesity just happens, and that because it is an of itself a disease, needs treatment in three areas: (1) Prevention, through education for our children will stop some of the obesity as our kids get older (this is my favorite one, as I have been chubby since I was 8 – had I known a little better, I may have eaten differently); (2) Diet and Exercise for everyone, but especially for the 70 million overweight but not obese adults, and then as part of a follow up to surgery to treat morbid obesity; and (3) weight loss surgery for the morbidly obese, who have tried and failed at diet and exercise alone. The campaign asks for individuals to sign their petition to get healthcare professionals and insurance companies to start treating Morbid Obesity as a disease, and not as a symptom of those side effects I posted in the second paragraph.

But how did this work in my case? I chose, starting from an early age, to eat junk food. I was an inside kid – reading, watching TV, baking goodies. Although my parents kept me busy after school with sports and lessons, I took the easy way out so I wouldn’t have to get all sweaty. A typical day would have me raiding the top of my Dad’s dresser for quarters and then buying candy bars or something made from hostess, which I would hide under my pillow and take bites of while I was reading in bed. As an adult, I got serious about exercise -- Joining the gym, then Jenny Craig with five mile walks, then Weight Watchers and Curves. During my adulthood, I have been down as far as 175, and been as high as 338 – a size 14 all the way to a 30/32

After having my children and having the severe mental health reactions, I chose to go on atypical antipsychotics (First Zyprexa, then Geodon, then finally Seroqual, which I have been on, and been stable for two and a half years), even though severe weight gain and high cholesterol are side effects that can lead to Type 2 Diabetes. When I started on Zyprexa, I was 200 lbs – 7 years later (and after two years on Seroqual), I was at 338, despite working out at least 3 times a week at the YMCA.

So I made a new choice, and my choice was to have the Lap-Band surgery. And it is exactly the miracle I’ve needed. Since March 22, 2010 I’m down 37 lbs, only two more pounds and I am under 300 for the first time in 3 years. As motivation, I’ve set little goals. My new choice is to not reward myself with food, which I used to do, but to instead reward myself with things that make me feel better! When I lost 10 percent of my weight, I got my hair colored, cut, and styled into a very flattering hairstyle that keeps me from constantly wearing a ponytail and worrying about roots. When I hit 50 pounds down, I am getting a mani-pedi and wearing sandals until it chips! At 75 lbs, I’m getting a massage. When I hit 100, I am going to have a full day at the day spa where I got my hair done.

By the way – I am now wearing a 2X on top, and a 24 on the bottom. My girls tell me every day that I have lost weight, and my husband described me yesterday as “hot”. Those are other benefits of the surgery, and exactly why I am joining the C.H.O.I.C.E. campaign If you want to sign up, go to http://www.mychoicecampaign.com/?s_mcid=lb-em-003, or join on the cause section of facebook..

Depression

I hate depression. I hate that when I am depressed I sleep more, want to eat more, and eat the wrong foods, and forget important things like Kindergarten Orientation for my youngest and that Friday was the fun fair at school, so I should have made my older daughter go to school instead of stay home with a mystery stomach ache. I hate that with depression comes fear, irritability, loneliness, and a plethora of other wrongs – made against myself and others.

What I have been finding about myself as I go through a depressive cycle of my bi-polar disorder is that I don’t care as much about what I put in my body, so I’ve eaten a little Debbie, and finished my kids cereal, and ate the cheese and pepperoni and crust of a piece of pizza and called it dinner. I also don’t care what I do with my body, going a whole week with only exercising once. I am also finding myself more crabby, so I am yelling more (at stupid drivers, at myself for letting the laundry get mildewy again, at my kids for leaving toys and shoes in the hallway where I step on them and trip because even though I have lost 36 lbs, I still can’t see my feet).

So I have a new psychiatrist and therapist. The shrink is awesome, spending 1 ½ hours with me drawing diagrams to show me what goes on in my brain while having an episode, either manic or depressive, letting me know that where I am at with medicine now most likely will not need to be the level I’ll be on my entire life. He’s not a drug pusher, and that I love. The therapist is the person that I saw for my psychological evaluation before I had my surgery. It’ll be a few weeks until I see her again, but I am interested in learning new ways to behave when I feel depressed. Because, basically, I hate it. And with that, I’ll leave you with a quote from Alexander and the Terrible, horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day: “Some days are just like that” *sigh* Some days just are.