Friday, December 31, 2010

New Years Intentions

I've been listening to my MK Mueller 8 to great cds again and I have decided that instead of making resolutions, I am creating a list of intentions.  Everyone says that resolutions don't work, but everyone from Socrates to Jesus, to Rhonda Byrnes (The secret), and Mk Mueller talk about the law of intentions.  "Ask and ye shall recieve", "Believe it and you can achieve it", etc. etc... What this means is if we talk about the things that we want (our intentions), and then ask for them, or "intend" for them to happen, they will.  This exercise is especially powerful if you write them down - you have thought about it, you have made it known to God, and you can reread it, enforcing your intentions every day!  I even posted my list on the fridge!.  
So here are my list of intentions for the nest year.  What are yours?

List of Intentions

  1. I will get rid of 70 more pounds.
  2. I will be approved for a tummy tuck.
  3. We will find and move into our dream house with finished basement, 4 bedrooms, gourmet kitchen, living and family rooms, and big backyard ready for cookouts.
  4. I will get off Seroqual.
  5. I will be more organized.
  6. My apartment and house will be clean.
  7. I will exercise 4 times a week.
  8. Money will come freely to us and we will manage it the best we ever have.
  9. I will continue to be patient and loving with everyone I come in contact.
  10. Energy runs smoothly through me so I can accomplish my goals during the day and sleep peacefully at night.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Stress and the Holidays

We moved 5 states away from our home state in October 2009 for my husband's FABULOUS job.  For the most part, it has been a wonderful transition.  We have made friends, I'm busy with MOPS and Weight-loss Surgery support group, NAMI, and volunteering at my children's schools.  They are getting a wonderful education, I love where we live, and the medical care here is top notch.  There is just one hitch:  I miss home.

Over the last two weeks while my Grandma was dying, I would have given anything to be able to have been there.  When she died, I felt helpless as I live so far away.  Today was equally as hard.  My oldest daughter is named after both of my grandmas.  She was given a My American Girl Doll from Santa, and reversed her name to name her doll after herself (and my grandmothers).  That was hard.

Then came the meals.  Monkey bread is our traditional Christmas morning breakfast, and I cut up the pineapple Santa brought my youngest (she requested it!).  I could eat the pineapple, but the monkeybread was another story. For lunch I made canned soup, and half of it stayed.  I stayed away from the rest of the treats to make sure I didn't get sick.  For dinner, the  ham, cheesy mashed potatoes, and homemade apple sauce were okay, but I felt myself longing for the ethnic food that was being served at my parents, food that I am sure I will not be able to eat until at least next year or so.

So now I am down.  I miss my family of origin and my extended family and the craziness that happens when you are all together with lots of kids.  For my children, I miss that they don't have access to their grandparents besides the phone calls.  Maybe it's the letdown, or the fact that after the presents were open by 7:30, I had a normal day of cooking and cleaning.  I will say though that my family did spoil me and that was nice, I just wish I would have been able to hold onto that feeling today.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

On death and dying

Grandma died at 8:05 pm eastern standard time last night.  I was in the store at 7:05 pm central time and noticed the clock.  Then I went back to shopping.  When Dad called me last night to tell me, I felt numb all over.  Maybe I just didn't know what to do.  Maybe the shock was more that I expected.  It's been a while since the death of someone close, and unfortunately, as I posted before, Grandma and I were not close.

Then I realized I sent Grandma a Christmas card in the bubble mailer I sent my dad.  I emailed him to tell him to give the enclosed pictures to his brother, another person I have been estranged from.  After that I talked to my sister, facebooked my brother, called my best friend, cuddled with my husband and went to bed.  A half-hour later, I awoke from a crazy, vivid dream.  My girls were laughing and playing with a beautiful dollhouse, just like the ones that my grandma used to make.  I had this overwhelming feeling that Grandma wanted my girls to play with a dollhouse that she made.  I quick emailed my dad, then went back to bed.  It was a long night, full of pondering and prayer, but I felt as if Grandma was at peace.

This morning I learned that my grandma is being cremated and there will be a  memorial for her mid-January.  I've been working with my budget to find a a way to get to my home state.  My best friend has already invited me to stay with her, it's just a matter of creative financing for the airline ticket.

On one hand, I am so glad that she is out of pain.  On the other hand I (selfishly) wish that I could have said goodbye.  I'm wondering also if this means that I will have anniversary grief near Christmas each year.  I don't know.  I guess I'll just wait and see.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Grandma

I have one living grandparent.  Grandma Grace is 82 years old.  She was just 18 when she had my dad, who was 29 when he had me.  I'm her eldest grandchild, but she and I have never had a very close relationship.  This is not for my lack of trying.  I had some time in my life when I would go to visit her on my own.  This was mostly before I was married and had children.  In fact, she has never met my youngest, and she is already five years old.

Grandma is sort of a recluse.  She is always invited to my dad's house for holidays, BBQs, etc. but always declines.  When we returned to our home state for a visit this last summer, we invited her to a BBQ at my dad's house, and she did not come.  I was sad about it, but I figured, hey, that's just Grandma.  Now I wish I would have pushed.

Grandma is currently in the ICU at a local hospital.  She has had a stroke and has been diagnosed with Guillain-Barre, a condition in which she is paralyzed from a virus.  She is currently on life support, and has a ventilator breathing for her.  She also has congestive heart failure.  The saddest part is that even if I wanted to "go home" and see her, I can't, and I feel she doesn't really want to see me.

You see, the last time we spoke, I had just been released from a mental ward.  I had just been in the ward for severe suicidal depression and major bipolar racing thoughts.  I had moved in with my father and stepmother, away from my husband and children, so that I could recover.  Our last conversation went something like this Grandma: "Well, you can't just sit around all day."  Me: "I've applied for Social Security disability.  I have to just wait.".

Grandma's generation was full of stigma against mental illness.  The fact that her once overly capable eldest grandchild, with a master's degree in counseling, for Pete's sake, could no longer support herself, or her family, I think was too much for her.  Thank goodness we live in a time where mental illness, while still stigmatized, is becoming more accepted.  I thank groups like NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) and DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance) in supporting the fact that people with mental illnesses are not just the bums you see on the street, but upstanding members of society who , just like you, pay there taxes, volunteer, and contribute to society at large.  I may not be able to have a job right now, but I am doing a bang up job of raising two beautiful, smart, talented, and sensitive little girls.  Because of what they have seen Mommy do, they treat everyone with dignity and respect.  We have very frank conversations about all types of people: race, religion, denominations, disabilities, and i have never once had to worry that they would treat anyone (outside of each other or the occasional best friend/worst enemy) with respect.  And I am very proud of this.  I just hope that I will be able to show this to Grandma.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

New med news!

I’ve had an exciting few weeks when it comes to both my mental health and my weight-loss.  The reason it’s so exciting is because it’s related.  A few weeks ago, I went to my psychiatrist and we decided to lower my level of the atypical antipsychotic Seroqual.  Now, Seroqual has been my life saver.  Three years ago, when I was last hospitalized for bipolar issues, we started me on the medication.  Over the last three years, I have had my level raised until I was on the maximum dose available.  My current psychiatrist took a look at that and the side effects I’ve experienced (130 lb weight gain, high cholesterol and triglycerides, and pre-diabetes), and told me when the time was right, we would back me off.  And so it has started.

Last week, I started backing off my dose.  I had some withdrawal symptoms (upset stomach, trouble sleeping, feeling “out of it”), but I tried to balance this out by sticking to my diet, adding extra exercise, and keeping to my sleep schedule.  This week, I feel great.  I’m more alert, have more energy and the scale has started going down again.  In fact, this past weekend, I had to go clothes shopping.  I bought a size 22 pair of jeans, smaller band bra, and a size 18/20 shirt.  That’s a drop of 5 sizes on the bottom and 6 sizes on top, and a 4 inch drop in band size for my bra since March 22!  Not too shabby!

For the next several months, I will be dropping off my Seroqual 100 mgs at a time, giving myself a little more than a month to get “level”, before we move me down the next step.  So far so good!  Altogether, this may take about 45 weeks, but it is totally worth it!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Gratitude



This time of year, gratitude and thankfulness are on the minds of many people.  Since I listened to MK Mueller’s 8 to Great, I have been practicing her suggestion of writing down three things each morning when you get up that you are thankful for.  The only stipulation is that they cannot be repeated.
However, as I complete his exercise every morning (it’s good for the heart), I find that my thoughts during the day stay positive, and if behavior follows thoughts, this means that my behavior patterns are also more towards the positive,  I do a better job of having positive behavior, such as, even though I don’t feel well, after I rest I can pick up the living room.  I eat food that is better for my body.  I have not been exercising intentionally because I have bronchial pneumonia, but I have been looking for smaller ways to be active.

So I challenge you to list 3 things you are thankful for every morning.  It might just change your life as it has done with mine.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Dancing Naked in the Living Room



As I sat down to write this blog, my five-year-old came out of the bathroom completely naked, waiting for her bath to be ready, and danced in the living room.  I laughed.  I want to have the self esteem that lets ME dance naked in my living room.  Then I realized that her small act of self esteem related directly to what I wanted to talk about:  Taking responsibility for my own life.  I was just listening to the CDs in my car by MK Mueller that I had won this past weekend at my Weight loss Surgery Patient Reunion/Conference.  The interesting thing is that until last week, I was unsure of how I was going to even attend what turned out to be a pinnacle experience in my life.

I’ll be the first one to admit I am not the best with money. (But I am getting to be much better).  I had failed to plan for the price of the conference in my budget, but was able to attend thanks to volunteering and other beneficial actions of others.  I was put at the registration desk, and I was one of the first smiling faces that others got to see welcome them to the reunion.  When MK, our keynote speaker, entered the room, she came right up to me, shook my hand with a power handshake, and introduced herself.  That was the first of our interactions.

During our reunion, her keynote address spoke right to my heart.  She was handing out her books left and right as people took risks to speak the first thing that came to mind from her questions.  I immediately thought, “I would LOVE to read the book, but I don’t have time”, Then came the next question, “What is the one thing I have to do today?”.  The answers were mostly in the range of “Teach us the 8 to Great Highways”, “deliver the keynote address”, and so on.  I piped up “Take care of yourself”, and Just like that (Imagine me snapping), I was awarded 8 to Great – ON CD!  MK Made eye contact and smiled at me.

Then we had a break, where I, again, had issues digesting my food.  After, she talked about feeling our feelings.  I’m not going to give you her whole speech, for that I recommend checking out her website www.8togreat.com. But she did talk about feeling even the most uncomfortable feelings: mad and sad.   You see, Mad and Sad go together and are like two sides of the same coin, or like yin and yang.  When you are mad without acknowledging your hurt or sad feelings, you have rage.  And the opposite side is that if you feel only sad without getting angry, you have depression.  Whoa.  Did you read that?  Sad without mad is depression.  And I have been suffering from some form of depression since my mom was diagnosed with cancer in my childhood.  The tears started to flow.  And it was like a fire was just burning anew inside me.  I was mad, no, not just mad, ANGRY.  Pissed off!  How dare my mom get cancer and not be able to be a mom like I had needed.  How dare she die when I was 20!  She never helped me pick out my wedding dress or come to stay with me after the birth of my children!  How dare God allow that to happen?  As I experienced this catharsis, my table mate suggested I share this experience with MK.

So at the completion of her talk and the beginning of lunch, I went and waited in the line of women wanting MK to sign the copy of her book.  I shared my story and she told me” Of course you get to be angry!  You get to go home and punch pillows and throw ice at the sidewalk “(FUN!  It breaks like glass!)!  And when I said I felt mad at God, she shared that the psalms were full of David’s anger at God.  Then I added “And Jesus’ “My God, my God why have you forsaken me?” – if that is not anger and sadness directed at God, well what is?  And heck, if it was good enough for Jesus, why wouldn’t it be good enough for me?  Am I not also a child of God?”.  She hugged me tight and looked right at me and said “You’re going to take this information and use it to change lives.  It was at that moment that I told her by education, I am a teacher and school counselor, then, I added, I’m 34.

The reasons I let her know that I am an educator by trade and 34 years old?  MK was a teacher, the 8 to Great curriculum is taught in thousands of middle and high schools, and at age 34 was when MK herself had her pinnacle experience that led her to become the person that she is today.

I am over my anger, and have forgiven my mom for not being the mom I felt I needed.  I’ve forgiven her for dying.  I have forgiven God for allowing this to happen.  I have forgiven myself for allowing myself to go 14 years without letting myself experience my anger.  I have asked God’s forgiveness for my boldness and anger directed at him.  And I am excepting responsibility for my life.   Today I made that phone call to get my band adjusted, then I made a phone call to fulfill a dream.  I have an appointment on Monday for a band adjustment AND an appointment on Friday with a plastic surgeon.  It turns out that once my insurance approves it, I can have my floppy lower belly removed surgically and have a tummy tuck.  The appointment Friday will get the ball rolling, but it’s already rolling in my brain!  I see myself with a FLAT stomach – something I have not seen since I was 7-Years-Old!  I don’t need to have my stomach fat protecting me. How about them apples?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes



Okay, I have a confession to make.  I have not had a band fill since I had some of the fluid taken out in august, and I know  that I probably need a band fill, but I have been putting it off.  I have been at a standstill for weight loss, which has stopped right around the weight that I was after having my second daughter, and where my weight sat for two years before I started on Seroqual but my body looks completely different.  The first thing I noticed is that my face is slimmer and the muscles in my arms, legs, and stomach are trimmer.   I am able to get into size 1 X tops and dresses, which I haven’t worn since my honeymoon.  I have a nice bust line, and went from a 50A bra to a 46B, though I could probably go up to a C and it would only be a little big.  My waistline is trimmer, and when I wear pants, I have a much smaller “muffin top”.  I’m no longer a size 22/24 on the bottom, as those are getting almost too big to wear.  My one pair of size 22 pants fit perfectly and I LOVE it!

But those aren’t the only changes – I am craving exercise like I once craved chocolate (well, I still crave chocolate, just not as much!).  When I took my kids to boo at  the zoo and then trick or treating, we walked over a mile each night and it did not wear me out.  My wedding ring, which has been stuck for 4 years now slips right off.

Health wise, my body has been going through even more exciting changes.  My blood pressure has gone from a shockingly high 170s/120s to a healthy 120s/70s.  My blood tests to check for diabetes and pre-diabetic conditions were completely fine.  My cholesterol level is also normalized.  Yes, I could get a band-fill, but I’m almost thinking I may have found my “sweet spot”.  I’m going to a weight loss surgery conference on Saturday and I’ll write a report after as to what other changes I need to make.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Road trips, Lap bands, and Mental Health




This past weekend, I met one of my dearest friends in a large city that was supposed to be 8 hours away.  With kids however, it took 10 hours.  So for twenty hours out of 72, the three of us were in the car.  When we got to the hotel, they had sold our room out under us and we had to have 4 people in a one bedroom hotel room.  For driving all the way, then having to have both my kids in roll away beds, my stress level went a little high.  But after taking my nighttime meds and hanging with my friend, all was well with the world, and things were fine.

The next morning I started the day with a protein shake, and then we went to IKEA.  I LOVED it!  Two hours (one with the kids hanging out in Smalland,), 66 dollars, and a delicious soup lunch (with two meatballs – can’t go there and NOT have meatballs!) with a shared dessert and the kids getting what they wanted – they ate with no arguments- for 12 dollars.

After that we went to the hotel and moved to our original type room – two bedroom suites, then later took a train into downtown, where we visited a specialty toy store and ate at a legendary restaurant – but please take “eating” from me with a grain of salt.  I ate, then puked, then tried eating again.  It didn’t work.

And that sent me on a tailspin.  Since Saturday night, I have only kept down about 50% of what I’ve attempted to eat, and that includes soup.  Which leads to another condition – I’m not sure that I’ve kept down all my meds, and I’ve started having depression issues.  I’m going to give myself another day, and if I am not feeling better, I’ll check with my doc(s), both my surgeon and my psychiatrist.

So basically, I have learned a few very important lessons.  First I must always pack protein when I go and not plan on only eating out for vacations.  Then, for my mental health, I need to stretch out my roadtrips longer, including at least another day to make the traveling easier.  And I have to go easier on myself after.  I threw myself back into my schedule, and I should have eased myself back in.  But under NO circumstances do I regret the trip.  It was a blast.  And I adored seeing one of my bestest friends in the world!


P.S. – Check out the new picture – I got a new haircut that frames my face and takes a few pounds off!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

New Milestones!

I am about a week away from being 7 months out of surgery, but I have had a few health issues lately along with a ton of stress.  My bi-polar meds got changed (subtract 300 mg of Seroqual, add 4 mgs of Stelazine, subtract 75 mgs of Effexxor XR, add prn xanax), and I have been getting migraines that make me puke like no ones business.

However, I have started waking up EARLY to exercise. And by early I mean the 5:45 am power water aerobics class at the Y.  Yes, I am turning into “that” girl – the one who favors exercise to sleep!  While I have not seen the scale change in a few weeks, I have noticed the following:

  1. My biceps and triceps look and feel buff (now only if the weight loss didn’t leave me with batwings… but that’s what plastic surgery is for!)
  2. I have awesome legs!
  3. My wedding ring (which used to be “stuck”, now spins on my finger!
  4. My bra size went from 50A to 46 B or C!  I may not need the boob job after all!
  5. My jeans are too big again.
  6. I’m actually looking forward to and enjoying exercise.
  7. I have become addicted to soy chocolate protein shakes blended with natural peanut butter and a frozen banana!
  8. I don’t need as much coffee to make it through the day.


But I do have some challenges coming up.  This weekend I am heading several hours away to meet one of my bestest buddies for a girls weekend with my kids in a huge Midwestern urban area, where there are tempting treats on every corner, and with my kids tagging along I have a feeling we are going to be taking cabs, not walking like I usually would have done.  But my friend is super fit, and knows me better then just about anyone, so she’ll probably not let me cheat too bad.  As long as I can make it without another migraine, it should be an awesome time.

I’ll write some bariatric friendly travel tips when I get back.  One thing I have done is planned ahead and bought some rice cakes in cedar cheese flavor and vitamin water to get me through the long drive. J

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Weightloss Nutjob and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Lap-band Day




(with apologies to Judith Voirst)

I went to bed with an empty tummy because I had a headache and earache and when I woke up and went to take my medicine this morning, I kept down my medicine but threw up my yogurt smoothie and I can tell it was going to be a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Lap-band Day.

I could tell because when I woke up the girls and fed them breakfast, the only thing I could keep down was coffee.  And it was starting to be a Terrible, Horrible, No Good,Very Bad Lap-band Day.

Later, after I took my daughter’s to school, I went to my friend’s house and drank more coffee.  It stayed down, and for a while, I thought it had stopped being a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Lap-band Day, but then I went home and I made lunch.  I had a few bites of cheese, which usually does a good job of staying down, but I could not keep it down, not even sugar-free pudding for dessert.  Then I tried drinking water, and I went to throw it up I started seeing stars and I hit my head on the toilet and started crying and it was a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Lap-band Day.

So I called my husband and cried to him and he came home to take care of the girls and I went to sleep.  It was much better.  But then I got up and tried to eat and threw up again.  I cleaned myself up and went down to my car to find it locked even though I gave my husband the keys so he could get out the youngest girl’s dance bag.  And I started crying again because I had an appointment with an ears, nose, and throat specialist and needed to get my ears suctioned out, so I wanted to go upstairs but I was locked out and it was continuing to be a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Lap-band Day.

But then I got to the apartment office and they gave me a key to get in the building and I called my car insurance company and realized I didn’t have roadside assistance, then I had to call and reschedule my appointment, and then I called my best friend to whine and I started to ball my eyes out.  But then I felt better.  And a few minutes later, my husband came home and had my keys as I was writing him a note telling him that I went back to bed.  And he had my keys and then he cuddled me and while I was still not able to eat, it made me feel a lot better.  And then he said the best thing of all.  He’ll stay home tomorrow morning and take me to my appointment so he can help me because he loves me and wants me to feel better.  And that made me feel so much better that I could even drink a cup of (decaf) tea.  And that’s a good start.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Giving Back


I just got notification that my student loans may be forgiven due to my disability(ies).  However, as I ponder my bachelor and master degrees, I have chosen to “give back” because I have benefitted so much with my education.  So I am on the board of my daughter’s preschool and a steering committee member for MOPS at my church.  These two ministries allow me to use my education in a way where I am happy to help out.  I also volunteer in both my daughters’ schools “behind the scenes”.  At my oldest daughter’s class, I make “Friday Folders”, and yesterday at my younger daughter’s school, I made signs for their fundraiser nights at a local restaurant.


Anyway, when we were at the preschool board meeting, we spent a lot of time talking about the “outdoor classroom”, a safe, fenced off area with plants, a make believe area, wood ‘cookies” for building, an extremely cool gadget board just right for little ones to practice their fine motor skills on, and a ton of other fun, age appropriate outside toys.  We had yet to come up with a name, but were looking for a name that would encompass all of our ideas for the outdoor classroom and also let the congregation (of which I am a part) know that they could enjoy it also.  We wanted the name to be somewhat biblical as well.

Driving home, an idea hit me like a lightbulb being turned on.  The motto of our preschool is that it is a growing place for preschoolers.  The name that hit me was to call the space God’s Room to Grow.  Just as the space would be growing and changing with the plants and flowers planted, as God’s children, we all need that time and space to grow and blossom in His love for us.  Just as the children in the preschool are growing and changing, we as adults need to be open to growth as well. 


(an afterthought -11/2010)  They have chosen a name and was not my suggestion, so I am saving the name to refer to our home's backyard when we buy a house next summer!

Friday, September 24, 2010

6 months!


-          Can now give myself a pedicure! (9/23/10)
-          Can stretch and touch my feet when I stretch! (9/23/10)
-          Feel my ribs, hips, and thigh bones when I lie on my side. (9/22/10)
-          Can RUN! (8/2010)
-          Actually enjoy getting my picture taken. (And I let my picture be taken in my BATHING SUIT!)(72010)
-          Feel cute, and am taking care of myself better, including new hair, dress, and make-up styles! (7/2010, but new look 9/24/10)
-          Am learning my bodies hunger cues and when I need to eat versus want to eat. (7/2010)
And much, much more, but I just wanted to give an update!

-          

Our New Home

In the past month, my family has had 7 visits to our primary care physicians!  For myself, I have gone 3 times because I have horrible allergies that turn into sinus infections, then ear infections, and then, this last time, pneumonia.  I’m on my second round of antibiotics and I am feeling better, but my energy comes and goes. 

My husband and oldest daughter are having some severe tummy stuff.  My husband needed to have tests to rule out gall bladder issues, but thankfully seems on the mend.  My eldest’s tummy issues could be related to stress (we are currently evaluating for ADHD), but she also stayed home this week because of her stomach hurting.  (She was later fine, so this is the last time she stays home without a fever, diarrhea, or vomit).

But my poor little one is currently suffering the most.  When she was born prematurely, she had issues breathing, and developed pneumonia a few hours after birth.  When she was 6 months, she got pneumonia and we went back into the hospital again.  At 15 months, she was in the hospital again with RSV and pneumonia.  It was then they told me she had reactive airway disease, which is a precursor to asthma.  Again at two years, she was hospitalized again with RSV and pneumonia. Over the last year, her Reactive Airway Disease has been diagnosed as asthma and we have gotten into a routine involving aero chambers and inhalers.  However, now she’s sick again and that means another trip to the doctor.  Again.  Which  means another visit to our new home, the doctor’s office.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Just another manic Monday




Well last week ended, and this week began similar to the week before.  The wonderful new medicine I was prescribed worked for a few days, and then suddenly quit working.  Luckily I had an appointment scheduled for Monday and I went to see my psychiatrist.  He explained that I must have a “smart liver” because over the coarse of that first week, my liver learned how to metabolize the medication, breaking it down into pieces so small, the my body didn’t register I even had the med in my system.  So he doubled my dose, and Monday night I slept like a baby, waking up refreshed. 

Last night, not so good. I went to bed at 9:30, and by 4 I was unable to get myself back to sleep. At 5:30, I gave up and came down to make my coffee (Starbucks new Vanilla coffee with splenda and vanilla soymilk = the same taste as a skinny vanilla latté made with soy – one of my faves!).  I also figured that I’d write about my experiences of late.

See, though I have been manic, I’ve also had a week full of changes and compliments about my “new” body.  On Saturday, my husband and I went shopping for my little one’s fifth birthday on Friday (I told her that instead of turning five, she has to go back to one.  She’s not cooperating with that idea.)  We went to Old Navy because of the 4 and 6 dollar specials on leggings, and he needed a new pair of jeans for work.

We got his Jeans and a pair of “jeggings” for my daughter, and then I decided to look at clearance.  With 30% off the lowest markdowns (most under 5 bucks), I grabbed a few t-shirts, a pair of sweatpants, and a pair of leggings.  I figured I would take them home, try it on, and then return what didn’t fit.  Imagine my surprise when EVERYTHING fit perfectly.  I am officially able to shop in regular size clothing stores!

Then, last Friday the Church Secretary watched me walk down the hall to get my daughter from pre-school.  She told me, wow, you are moving really great.  I told this to my husband, and he told me that I don’t waddle any more (Um, thanks?).

Over the weekend, I noticed I have shoulders (Hey, I haven’t seen them since high school!), I can wrap a towel around myself after a shower, and after I sit on the floor, my tailbone hurts because I don’t have padding around it as much.

Yesterday, my older daughter needed some blood work done at the doctors’ office.  While the nurse was working, she said to me, “Mom, I see you weighing yourself every time you come in here.  How much have you lost?”  I told her around 58 lbs, but I am not truly sure because I weigh myself after breakfast and lunch with my shoes on.  Then she asked, “How are you doing it?”  I told her I had a lap-band done about 6 months ago.  She told me the whole office had noticed and everyone is happy for me.

Then, last night, I went to my weight-loss surgery support group and was told that my excitement of my surgery was infectious and that I just light up the room and motivate others.  Then, another person added that I just glow.  Though I made jokes to deflect the compliments, inside I feel so proud and happy about my accomplishments.  Its comments like these that fuel me to keep plugging away.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Insomnia, Mania, and Lap-Band Problems (Oh, my!)

So last week, I started having a sort of a “reverse” insomnia-I fell asleep fine, but woke up between 2 and 4 and could not go back to sleep.  (I’m still somewhat having this problem, as it is 6:15 a.m., and I’ve been up since 5). Not getting enough sleep is always a sign for me that trouble, in the form of a mania or depression, is on its way.  Last Thursday, cue the mania.

Now, some people like their mania, it makes them more creative, better able to accomplish things, and at first, I did too.  Hello, super clean house in just 2 hours!  But then the bad stuff starts.  When my husband came home, he looked at me and told me my eyes were all bugged out. (Uh-oh).  Then he saw how clean the house was and asked me how long I worked to get it that clean (double uh-oh).  So I did what I am supposed to do and took my klonipin early and chilled out in front of the tv.  I did this Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday.

Then Monday night, I went to bed, and had more insomnia.  Then the next day, my mind started going a million miles an hour, and try as I might, I could not shut it down.  I tried deep breathing, Yoga, meditation, calling friends and talking their ear’s off (Thanks, Mom and B.G!), taking a bath (and I FIT IN THE TUB!), all while trying to get a hold of my psychiatrist.  He called when I was in the tub, and said he was calling a prescription for an older antipsychotic med into the Walgreens Pharmacy.  I got there, waited a ½ hour, and then they told me they did not have the med and I could get it at the store near the hospital.  Have I mentioned how I do not like to be near the hospital at night?  By the time I got to the store it was 11:00 and the crazies (including me!) were out in full force.  It takes one to know one, I guess. J

Anyway, I went inside, got my med, came home, took it, along with everything else in my nightly “cocktail”, and went to bed.  I slept for 6 hours, but it was the most restful sleep I had in almost a week, and Wednesday morning, I was tired, but okay.  The medicine did not work as well on Wednesday night, but I must have drank 5 cups of coffee to function because of the tiredness.

On Thursday and Friday, I cut back on my coffee – switching to herbal tea, zero calorie vitamin water, and non-caffeinated coffee, and slept well for about 7 hours.  Yes, I am still up ultra early, and I do believe I may still be in a “Hypo-manic” state, as this is the easiest blog entry I’ve ever written, and as soon as the laundry room opens at 7, I will be working diligently to get my old children’s clothes prepared to sell at the consignment show, but I am thinking clearly (even if it is fast).

My last thing to share is my lap-band experience as I have gone through this manic episode.  When I have mania, EVERYTHING goes fast.  This includes my digestive system.  After I took the medicine for the first time on Tuesday, it slowed my digestion way down.  I had some carrots with my fish on Thursday night, and the lap band just would not let them go down, so I ended up VIOLENTLY puking up everything I ate.  On Friday, liquids were the only thing I could keep down, and then I couldn’t even keep down water.  I had no choice; I had to call my surgeon.  He had to deflate my band, and we had to flush through what was blocking the band with water and barium.  This means I have less restriction for the next three weeks at least, although last night I couldn’t even keep down soup.  So know I know (“and knowing is half the battle” - G.I. Joe), that if I have a mania, I need to work with all my doctors so this will not happen again.  *sigh*, I guess this past week really was adventures with mental illness and my lap-band!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Everything Happens for a Reason

I know that there are many that do not share this view.  In fact, this whole post came out of a debate with a facebook friend.  If you have stories either way, I’d love to hear them.  Comment on here or send me a message at WLNutjob@gmail.com.  However,my thoughts are that maybe this was God's plan, or Karma, or "Everything happens for a reason", but I cannot believe that things didn't just unfold this way out of coincidence.

Bad thing: My daughter's being born at 29 weeks and my mental health issues starting:  Good thing - we were able to get her all the kinds of help she needed because of her diagnoses, and having the breakdown led me to quit my teaching job and complete my MA.  This led to me becoming a nanny for a family in which the father was a well-known lawyer (now judge).  His law firm hired my husband, which got him to go to law school.  Our move got me my position as a elementary guidance counselor - which I LOVED. 

Bad thing: Losing my job as school counselor : I was able to go on bed rest until my youngest was born, then I was able to stay home with her for her first year of life and my older daughter's first year of preschool.

Bad Thing: Second daughter born a preemie.  Again, she had issues that needed special attention, which we qualified for because of her preemie status.  I also was properly diagnosed post-partum as having Bi-Polar disorder, as well as a few more diagnoses.

Bad thing: Moving away from my family to teach, then losing my job because of a breakdown.  Okay, this one is a  bit more far fetched but follow me - In 2007, I was highly overmedicated and not functioning well.  Moving away from my husband really see how poorly I was doing.  Yes, almost having a suicide attempt sucked, but I was taken care of by doctors that knew how to handle me and my diagnoses.  They started me on the meds I am now, and now I am doing very well!  I was also awarded with SSDI, which allows me to not have the stress of working outside the home so I am better able to function as a "homemaker" (except for the activities that I choose to volunteer for - which are things that I can un-volunteer for if things become too hard).

Bad Thing:  having to move into my parents' house and being away from my husband and children.  Being at my parents' house for 6 months after being released from the hospital gave me time to recover and to see what I wanted my family and marriage to look like.  When I moved back in with them at my in-laws, my husband and I went to therapy together and I received excellent services through the Northern Lakes MI CMH that let me develop myself as a PERSON with mental illness not a "bi-polar".  To be honest, the Northern Lakes MI CMH is one of the most progressive in the state and I entered a "recovery" state.

Bad Thing:  My husband deciding not to go into law after law school.  While I did not understand this at first, it really opened us up to new possibilities.  This is how he found his career with the government.  He is paid an awful lot for just being on the job 1 year, he is home at 5 every day, he's happy with his career, and we have a terrific life out here in Nebraska.  Friends of his that are making twice more at large law firms work twice the amount of hours and do not have free time.  In fact, when you figure what the salary is "per hour" worked, my husband comes out on top of many of them.


Saturday, August 21, 2010

Happy New Year!




As a former student, teacher, and school counselor, I have always felt that my year runs not from January to December, but instead August or September to June, with three bonus months.  As the summer has come to end, and I have gotten the girls ready for their new school year, I almost feel like I should make some new (school) year resolutions.  So here they go:

  1. My kitchen will be cleaned every day.
  2. My laundry will not be allowed to pile up.
  3. I will read, then file all the important notes that come home from school.
  4. Papers that must be filled out and returned to school will make it back to school the following school day.
  5. I will not do school drop off in my PJs.
  6. When I take my children to their lessons at the Y I will use that time to exercise, not hang out with the other mommies or read a magazine.
  7. I will attend all important school meetings.
  8. I will make it to my support group meetings for my Lap-Band, as they help keep me motivated and out of the ice cream.
  9. I will not be late for drop off or pick up at either school.
  10. I will volunteer at both schools, as when I give back to the schools, my children see how important I feel their education is.
  11. We will keep track of all library materials!!!!!
  12. I will let go of control over what my 2nd grader chooses to wear to school.  If I didn’t like her clothing choices, I should not have bought them.  As long as her choice is clean (see resolution #2)!
  13. I will make time each day to do something I WANT to do, even if it’s just reading one article out of a magazine. J
  14. I will thank God every day for my wonderful children, my husband’s wonderful career that allows me to be involved in their education, and for my friends and family who support us!

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Medical Issues

Medical Issues

So over my lifetime, I have had 9 surgeries, have been hospitalized 4 times for illness and 6 times for mental illness, and been to the ER more times than I can count.  I have been in anaphylactic shock from an antibiotic, and I have a hard time being in the sun because I get sunpoisening very easily.  However, I have found that using 85 sunblock allows me to take the kids to the park.

So imagine my surprise when, after an hour and half at the park yesterday, and NOT having symptoms of sunpoisening that I started to feel my lips, tongue, and throat swell.  I looked in the mirror and my face looked like it did 53 pounds ago.  I called Pete at work and told him we were going to the ER and got the girls to grab their shoes and a stuffed animal and get in the car.  I drove safely but slightly panicked to the ER when they rushed me back and the dr met us in the room.  5 minutes later and I had an IV and was being pumped with Benadryl, a steroid, something for pain, and pepcid.  Luckily Pete came in was able to help me feel better and make sure the girls were entertained (Thank goodness for Phineas and Ferb!).

As soon as the facial, throat and tongue swelling went down, I was able to go home.  It turns out that the blood pressure medication that I have been on FOREVER can cause the allergic response that I had, so now I’m on a new expensive med for blood pressure. And to top it off, last night after I took my regular meds and took my second dose of Benadryl, I slept so soundly (and strangely) that I cannot move my neck. 

But hey, I guess it could be worse.  I was a little nervous that the steroid was going to give me steroid psychosis or send me manic, but when I felt overly jittery last night, I just took my Klonopin early and I felt fine.  But this experience has made me even happier that I decided to get the Lap-band.  Being smaller, I need less medication, and someday I may be off my blood pressure med altogether.  My psychiatrist and I will be meeting next week and he as plans to lower my Seroqual and possibly my Effexxor.  This is amazing to me because I have always needed a high dose because of my weight.  Yet another benefit of the lap-band and another reason I thank God everyday.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

It's been forever!

So, it has been forever since I last posted.  Getting ready for vacation to our home state of Michigan, having a wonderful vacation filled with life and love from our families and friends, then coming home and trying to get organized for school, which starts in 3 weeks, has had me pretty bogged down.  Also the let down from vacation and not knowing the next time we will see our loved ones has left me a little depressed.  I’m working hard to get back into my routine, but I am not quite there yet.

The Wednesday before I went on vacation, I was asked to lead my NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) group as our regular facilitator was away on business.  The meeting went well, and hey, getting to use that Master’s Degree in Counseling was pretty fun.  Last week when I went into the NAMI meeting, the facilitator asked me to stay after so we could chat.  My first thought, of coarse, was am I in trouble?  However, he had a request for me.  He asked if I would take the NAMI training course and become a co-facilitator!  The thought was wonderful, but the logistics were unfortunate timing.  My husband would have had to take this coming Friday off so I could go, and as we just came back from vacation, there really isn’t a way for that to happen right now.  But, this really is just a logistic thing.  I let my NAMI facilitator know that I am interested and I would be happy to do it the next time the training comes around.  Having a young family like mine means we need more planning time than a week.  But I am going to do it.  I’d like to think that the hurt and pain that my family has gone through because of my mental illness diagnoses could help others some day, and again, getting to use those skills I developed while earning a 3.96 GPA in grad school would most definitely be wonderful.

On the diet front, vacation was a huge excuse for me to eat ice cream, and eat ice cream I did!  However, I did watch my potion sizes, and I even though I cheated., I only gained a half pound.  Last week, I got back to business with diet and exercise and I am now down a total of 53 pounds.  I have also realized I really need to buy new underwear, as my underwear are either giving me wedgies (ugh), or falling down.  I guess I never thought about needing smaller underwear before.  That, and my shoes are suddenly all too big.  Does this mean the days of only being able to buy shoes if they come in wides is over?  Stay tuned, as I will need to go shopping for me in the next month!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

1955 vs. 2010

I belong to a Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) group at my church, which I absolutely love.  The one thing I’ve found from having mental illness and having had weight-loss surgery is that having support makes all the difference in the world.  Since it works so well for normalizing the rest of my life, why wouldn’t I seek out the support for my main role in life – being a wife and mom?  As a member of MOPS, every other month, I get a publication called Momsense put out by MOPS International.

This month, there were several articles about the differences in being a mom in 1950 versus being a mom in 2010.  One of the articles was How to be a Good Wife from an article in 1955 printed in a magazine called Housekeeping Monthly. The article is about preparing your home for your husband’s arrival home from work.   As I giggled my way through the article, then called my best friend and laughed with her so hard that we both cried (and snorted!), I came up with an idea for my blog.  I know that I usually post only about things that are about having a lap-band or mental illness, but this was too good to pass up.


  1.  (1955)  Clear away the clutter – Make one last trip through the house to pick up the children’s toys, books, or papers…then run a dust cloth over tables.  Your husband will feel as if he has reached a haven of rest and order.

(2010) At 3:30 look up from facebook and notice your house is in complete disarray.  As you panic, you run to the kitchen to start the breakfast and lunch dishes.  As you finish loading, realize that if the dishes do not get washed NOW there will be nothing to eat on for dinner!  Start the dishwasher.  At 4:20 realize that a clean house is just a figment of your husband’s imagination – you have little kids!  Call him before he leaves work to warn him of the mess.

  1. (1955) Prepare the children – If they are small, wash their hands and faces and comb their hair.  They are his little angels and he would like to see them playing the part.

(2010)  At 4:45 look at your kids in their mismatched outfits that they picked out themselves.  Notice that you can tell what they had to eat today by looking at their shirt.  Think about having them change clothes, but realize that would double your laundry, and the pile does not need to get any bigger because you are already a week behind and your kids are wearing bathing suits under their clothes because they have run out of underwear.  Sigh when you see the red kool-aid mustache, knowing that is going anywhere either.  Start the load of underwear.

       3.  (1955) Minimize all noise.  At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise from the
             washer, dryer or vacuum.  Encourage the children to be quiet.

(2010)  Let’s see – the dishwasher is on, underwear is washing, you realize you have to vacuum the dried playdough because it’s hurting your bare feet.  As you start to vacuum, child number 1 turns the TV volume on high and child number two starts screaming because she is afraid of the vacuum.  Cue your husband’s entrance.

     
  1.     (1955) Some Do Nots – Do not greet him with problems or complaints.  Do not     
          complain if he is late for dinner, because this may be a minor problem
    compared to what he may have gone through with his day.

(2010)    As soon as you are done vacuuming, tell your husband you need to
grab a quick shower, because you did not get a chance to get one.  Also report on thing 1 and thing 2’s (er... I meant child) digressions.  When he asks about dinner, ask him to throw in some chicken nuggets and fries from the freezer.  Potatoes are vegetables, right?

Thursday, June 24, 2010

C.H.O.I.C.E. Campaign Essay Contest

Today, I entered the C.H.O.I.C.E Campaign essay Contest sponsored by Allergan (the makers of the Lap-Band system). A few months ago, I learned about the C.H.O.I.C.E Campaign through my bariatric surgery coordinator Shelley. I blogged about the campaign in May, and was shocked and ecstatic when I learned that my blog was being followed by a woman that works for the C.H.O.I.C.E. campaign for Allergan (the makers of the lap band).

So I decided to enter the essay contest portion of the C.H.O.I.C.E Campaign. I wrote and reworked my essay for the last month, and today, I am totally happy with my entry. On Wednesday when I attended therapy, my psychologist took a picture of me with her camera, and I have a “before” picture from February that I also submitted. So here is my essay and pictures. Hope you enjoy them!

My Journey
From 8 years old, I have always been at least 50 pounds overweight. Shortly after my eighth birthday, my mom was diagnosed with cancer for the first time. I had to grow up and handle tasks around the house that my mom usually handled. To deal with the stress, I turned to food. I continued this “relationship” into my adult life. I tried Weight Watchers, Curves, Jenny Craig, walking 5 miles a day, and “Walk Away the Pounds” DVDs. I’d lose a little weight, then always regained. During stressful times in college, during my years of teaching, and grad school, and being the mom of a child with special needs, food was my best friend and worst enemy.
After my first child was born eleven weeks early, I had my first encounter with severe mental illness. Imagine my surprise as a teacher and grad student in Counseling Education when I was diagnosed with Post-Partum Psychosis. To treat my illness, I started taking medication that resulted in a 50 pound weight gain, but I was functioning and happy, so I figured the weight gain was worth it. After the birth of my second child, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Several other mental health diagnoses soon followed. In November of 2007 I became disabled by my mental health conditions. From 2003 until 2010, I went on and off different psychotropic medications, and I gained a total of 130 pounds. I figured that it was worth it to be functional, but then I started having medical problems because of my 338 pounds. I developed hypertension, high cholesterol, sleep apnea, arthritis in my knees, and chronic back pain.

But I was lucky; I made the CHOICE to have Lap-Band Surgery. My insurance in MI did not pay for it, but when my family moved to Nebraska for my husband’s job, his insurance covered the procedure. I had my first appointment with my surgeon Dr Tadeucci in February 2010. I knew when I walked out of his office that I would do anything within my power to make the lap-band work for me. My surgery date was March 22, 2010. Since my surgery, have lost over 45 pounds and went from a size 30/32 on top to an 14/16, and a 28 on bottom to a 24. I no longer have sleep apnea, and some of the levels of my medication have been lowered to go with the weight loss. I have a ton of energy, and I love to exercise at the YMCA and take my kids to swim in the Y’s outdoor pool. And yes, I wear my bathing suit proudly!

But the weight-loss is not the biggest change. I feel better about myself as a person. I have been using my experience to help others. I have also chronicled my weight loss journey on my blog: Weightloss Nutjob: Adventures with Mental Illness and A Lap-Band (http://weightlossnutjob.blogspot.com/). In late May, Laura Nguyen from Allergan contacted me about my blog, thanking me for mentioning the CHOICE campaign in one of my posts. I have never been more proud of myself when I received that email! I feel so proud and thankful that I have been able to have my Lap-Band. It truly is my miracle! I know that my journey is just beginning, and I cannot “weight” to see where it is going to take me!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Motivation ( or how I got my mojo back)

Sorry it has been so long since I have last posted. With the end of the school year, Vacation Bible School, Father’s day, and other obligations, I have not had time. I have also had writer’s block and I’m pretty sure some depression as I have been trying to adjust to being with my kids 24/7. Being an at-home-mom get’s overwhelming, stressful, and dare I say it? Boring and lonely!
We have made an effort to go to the YMCA a lot and I volunteered at VBS, so I did get some time to hang out with other moms. Yesterday was especially good – we went to Library Story Hour, then hung out and did some crafts. I ran into a family whose child attended the same preschool as my youngest, and then another stay-at-home-mom that I got friendly with when our children were in dance and swimming lessons together last spring. Then we had a playdate with my older daughter’s friend from church in the YMCA outdoor pool.
I have been attending a support group for WLS patients, as well as private counseling, and a NAMI (www.nami.org) mental health support group for a while now. In my WLS support group, we talked about some “action items” that we can do in order to motivate ourselves when the time comes that we need more motivation. I discussed this with my counselor, than I decided to write down some of the activities mentioned to show where I am, how far I’ve come, and where I want to be.
Now, I already had some rewards planned for mile stones. At the loss of 10 % of my body weight, I got my hair cut and colored. At 50 lbs (I’m at 43!), I will get a mani-pedi. At 75, I’ll Get a massage, and at 100, I’m getting a full blown spa day! But, I didn’t know how to reward myself for the “little things, like being able to cut my toenails and play on the floor with the kids. The first thing I did at the urging of my counselor was to set up a rewards system for myself. I first wrote out the rules for myself. Everytime I follow my eating plan for a day, I give myself a pink dot on my datebook. Every time I exercise for 30 minutes a day, I get a purple dot. Five pink dots in a row – I get to choose a video that I want to watch. Five purple dots in a row – well, I haven’t figured out that one yet.
So after doing that, I sat down and wrote a list of 25 reasons why I had the surgery. When my family is sitting around eating ice cream and I feel left out, now I’ll have my list of why I had the lap-band. I also made a goal chart, with the goal and the date that I accomplished that goal. So far I have reached 8 of my 33 goals, but I know as I accomplish a goal, I will want to come up with new ones, and I am excited about that! The great thing about this is that I have a visual reminder of how far I’ve come in the last three months, and if that is not a motivator, what is?
Here are the documents I wrote, enjoy!
Pink dots= sticking to eating plan
Eating Plan
High Protein
No drinks with meals
Low fat
No added sugar
Drink lots
3-5 servings fruits and veggies
Purple dots = Exercise
Must be at least 30 minutes long, though can be broke up throughout the day.
Heavy cleaning counts
Why I had Surgery
  1. 338 lbs
  2. Size 30/32
  3. High Blood Pressure
  4. High Cholesteral
  5. Sleep Apnea
  6. Poor Self esteem
  7. joints hurting
  8. unable to get down on the floor to play with my kids.
  9. didn’t fit in airplane seats
  10. winded from walking one flight of stairs or one block
  11. had to order my bras from fat women catalogs
  12. Could only buy clothes at Avenue or at Catherines
  13. No energy to play with kids
  14. spent too much money on treats and fast food
  15. Being medically diagnosed super morbid obese
  16. Depression cycles more common.
  17. embarrassed about the way I looked.
  18. didn’t feel like myself – felt as if I had lost who I was.
  19. can’t fit in tub to take bath.
  20. had a hard time with personal hygiene.
  21. couldn’t even find jewelry or shoes that fit comfortably
  22. sick of carbohydrate addiction
  23. tired all the time
  24. pre-diabetes
  25. did not feel like I was being a good mom.
Goal
Date Met
Be able to get on the floor and play with kids
6/6/10
Lose 10 percent of my weight
5/2010
Be a 14/16 on top (14/16 tank tops from avenue!!!)
6/12/2010
Buy clothes at regular clothing store
6/12/2010 (2x tank tops at Old Navy!)
Be a 18/20 on bottem
Cut my own toenails
5/2010
Feel comfortable being photographed.
Fit into my wedding dress
Have energy to play with kids outside
5/31/2010
Be able to clean my floors (on hands and knees without too much trouble)
6/23/2010
Fit in an airplane seatbelt without an adjuster
Earn 5 pink dots in a row
Earn 5 purple dots in a row
Down 50 pounds
Down 62.5 pounds
Down 75 pounds
Down 87.5 pounds
Down 100 pounds
Ride the rides at an amusement park
Go down a water slide
Comfortably swing on swings at a park
Play tag with my kids
Walk 5 miles at once
Walk 7 miles at once
Walk 10 miles at once
Walk 12.5 miles at once
Walk 15 miles at once
Walk 17.5 miles at once
Walk 20 miles at once
Take part in the Breast Cancer 3 day walk.
Ride a bike
Turn Heads J
Feel beautiful!
6/12/2010