Grandma

I have one living grandparent.  Grandma Grace is 82 years old.  She was just 18 when she had my dad, who was 29 when he had me.  I'm her eldest grandchild, but she and I have never had a very close relationship.  This is not for my lack of trying.  I had some time in my life when I would go to visit her on my own.  This was mostly before I was married and had children.  In fact, she has never met my youngest, and she is already five years old.

Grandma is sort of a recluse.  She is always invited to my dad's house for holidays, BBQs, etc. but always declines.  When we returned to our home state for a visit this last summer, we invited her to a BBQ at my dad's house, and she did not come.  I was sad about it, but I figured, hey, that's just Grandma.  Now I wish I would have pushed.

Grandma is currently in the ICU at a local hospital.  She has had a stroke and has been diagnosed with Guillain-Barre, a condition in which she is paralyzed from a virus.  She is currently on life support, and has a ventilator breathing for her.  She also has congestive heart failure.  The saddest part is that even if I wanted to "go home" and see her, I can't, and I feel she doesn't really want to see me.

You see, the last time we spoke, I had just been released from a mental ward.  I had just been in the ward for severe suicidal depression and major bipolar racing thoughts.  I had moved in with my father and stepmother, away from my husband and children, so that I could recover.  Our last conversation went something like this Grandma: "Well, you can't just sit around all day."  Me: "I've applied for Social Security disability.  I have to just wait.".

Grandma's generation was full of stigma against mental illness.  The fact that her once overly capable eldest grandchild, with a master's degree in counseling, for Pete's sake, could no longer support herself, or her family, I think was too much for her.  Thank goodness we live in a time where mental illness, while still stigmatized, is becoming more accepted.  I thank groups like NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) and DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance) in supporting the fact that people with mental illnesses are not just the bums you see on the street, but upstanding members of society who , just like you, pay there taxes, volunteer, and contribute to society at large.  I may not be able to have a job right now, but I am doing a bang up job of raising two beautiful, smart, talented, and sensitive little girls.  Because of what they have seen Mommy do, they treat everyone with dignity and respect.  We have very frank conversations about all types of people: race, religion, denominations, disabilities, and i have never once had to worry that they would treat anyone (outside of each other or the occasional best friend/worst enemy) with respect.  And I am very proud of this.  I just hope that I will be able to show this to Grandma.