On death and dying

Grandma died at 8:05 pm eastern standard time last night.  I was in the store at 7:05 pm central time and noticed the clock.  Then I went back to shopping.  When Dad called me last night to tell me, I felt numb all over.  Maybe I just didn't know what to do.  Maybe the shock was more that I expected.  It's been a while since the death of someone close, and unfortunately, as I posted before, Grandma and I were not close.

Then I realized I sent Grandma a Christmas card in the bubble mailer I sent my dad.  I emailed him to tell him to give the enclosed pictures to his brother, another person I have been estranged from.  After that I talked to my sister, facebooked my brother, called my best friend, cuddled with my husband and went to bed.  A half-hour later, I awoke from a crazy, vivid dream.  My girls were laughing and playing with a beautiful dollhouse, just like the ones that my grandma used to make.  I had this overwhelming feeling that Grandma wanted my girls to play with a dollhouse that she made.  I quick emailed my dad, then went back to bed.  It was a long night, full of pondering and prayer, but I felt as if Grandma was at peace.

This morning I learned that my grandma is being cremated and there will be a  memorial for her mid-January.  I've been working with my budget to find a a way to get to my home state.  My best friend has already invited me to stay with her, it's just a matter of creative financing for the airline ticket.

On one hand, I am so glad that she is out of pain.  On the other hand I (selfishly) wish that I could have said goodbye.  I'm wondering also if this means that I will have anniversary grief near Christmas each year.  I don't know.  I guess I'll just wait and see.