As I sat down to write this blog, my five-year-old came out of the bathroom completely naked, waiting for her bath to be ready, and danced in the living room. I laughed. I want to have the self esteem that lets ME dance naked in my living room. Then I realized that her small act of self esteem related directly to what I wanted to talk about: Taking responsibility for my own life. I was just listening to the CDs in my car by MK Mueller that I had won this past weekend at my Weight loss Surgery Patient Reunion/Conference. The interesting thing is that until last week, I was unsure of how I was going to even attend what turned out to be a pinnacle experience in my life.
I’ll be the first one to admit I am not the best with money. (But I am getting to be much better). I had failed to plan for the price of the conference in my budget, but was able to attend thanks to volunteering and other beneficial actions of others. I was put at the registration desk, and I was one of the first smiling faces that others got to see welcome them to the reunion. When MK, our keynote speaker, entered the room, she came right up to me, shook my hand with a power handshake, and introduced herself. That was the first of our interactions.
During our reunion, her keynote address spoke right to my heart. She was handing out her books left and right as people took risks to speak the first thing that came to mind from her questions. I immediately thought, “I would LOVE to read the book, but I don’t have time”, Then came the next question, “What is the one thing I have to do today?”. The answers were mostly in the range of “Teach us the 8 to Great Highways”, “deliver the keynote address”, and so on. I piped up “Take care of yourself”, and Just like that (Imagine me snapping), I was awarded 8 to Great – ON CD! MK Made eye contact and smiled at me.
Then we had a break, where I, again, had issues digesting my food. After, she talked about feeling our feelings. I’m not going to give you her whole speech, for that I recommend checking out her website www.8togreat.com. But she did talk about feeling even the most uncomfortable feelings: mad and sad. You see, Mad and Sad go together and are like two sides of the same coin, or like yin and yang. When you are mad without acknowledging your hurt or sad feelings, you have rage. And the opposite side is that if you feel only sad without getting angry, you have depression. Whoa. Did you read that? Sad without mad is depression. And I have been suffering from some form of depression since my mom was diagnosed with cancer in my childhood. The tears started to flow. And it was like a fire was just burning anew inside me. I was mad, no, not just mad, ANGRY. Pissed off! How dare my mom get cancer and not be able to be a mom like I had needed. How dare she die when I was 20! She never helped me pick out my wedding dress or come to stay with me after the birth of my children! How dare God allow that to happen? As I experienced this catharsis, my table mate suggested I share this experience with MK.
So at the completion of her talk and the beginning of lunch, I went and waited in the line of women wanting MK to sign the copy of her book. I shared my story and she told me” Of course you get to be angry! You get to go home and punch pillows and throw ice at the sidewalk “(FUN! It breaks like glass!)! And when I said I felt mad at God, she shared that the psalms were full of David’s anger at God. Then I added “And Jesus’ “My God, my God why have you forsaken me?” – if that is not anger and sadness directed at God, well what is? And heck, if it was good enough for Jesus, why wouldn’t it be good enough for me? Am I not also a child of God?”. She hugged me tight and looked right at me and said “You’re going to take this information and use it to change lives. It was at that moment that I told her by education, I am a teacher and school counselor, then, I added, I’m 34.
The reasons I let her know that I am an educator by trade and 34 years old? MK was a teacher, the 8 to Great curriculum is taught in thousands of middle and high schools, and at age 34 was when MK herself had her pinnacle experience that led her to become the person that she is today.
I am over my anger, and have forgiven my mom for not being the mom I felt I needed. I’ve forgiven her for dying. I have forgiven God for allowing this to happen. I have forgiven myself for allowing myself to go 14 years without letting myself experience my anger. I have asked God’s forgiveness for my boldness and anger directed at him. And I am excepting responsibility for my life. Today I made that phone call to get my band adjusted, then I made a phone call to fulfill a dream. I have an appointment on Monday for a band adjustment AND an appointment on Friday with a plastic surgeon. It turns out that once my insurance approves it, I can have my floppy lower belly removed surgically and have a tummy tuck. The appointment Friday will get the ball rolling, but it’s already rolling in my brain! I see myself with a FLAT stomach – something I have not seen since I was 7-Years-Old! I don’t need to have my stomach fat protecting me. How about them apples?
No comments:
Post a Comment