Weightloss Nutjob and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Lap-band Day

(with apologies to Judith Voirst)

I went to bed with an empty tummy because I had a headache and earache and when I woke up and went to take my medicine this morning, I kept down my medicine but threw up my yogurt smoothie and I can tell it was going to be a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Lap-band Day.

I could tell because when I woke up the girls and fed them breakfast, the only thing I could keep down was coffee.  And it was starting to be a Terrible, Horrible, No Good,Very Bad Lap-band Day.

Later, after I took my daughter’s to school, I went to my friend’s house and drank more coffee.  It stayed down, and for a while, I thought it had stopped being a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Lap-band Day, but then I went home and I made lunch.  I had a few bites of cheese, which usually does a good job of staying down, but I could not keep it down, not even sugar-free pudding for dessert.  Then I tried drinking water, and I went to throw it up I started seeing stars and I hit my head on the toilet and started crying and it was a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Lap-band Day.

So I called my husband and cried to him and he came home to take care of the girls and I went to sleep.  It was much better.  But then I got up and tried to eat and threw up again.  I cleaned myself up and went down to my car to find it locked even though I gave my husband the keys so he could get out the youngest girl’s dance bag.  And I started crying again because I had an appointment with an ears, nose, and throat specialist and needed to get my ears suctioned out, so I wanted to go upstairs but I was locked out and it was continuing to be a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Lap-band Day.

But then I got to the apartment office and they gave me a key to get in the building and I called my car insurance company and realized I didn’t have roadside assistance, then I had to call and reschedule my appointment, and then I called my best friend to whine and I started to ball my eyes out.  But then I felt better.  And a few minutes later, my husband came home and had my keys as I was writing him a note telling him that I went back to bed.  And he had my keys and then he cuddled me and while I was still not able to eat, it made me feel a lot better.  And then he said the best thing of all.  He’ll stay home tomorrow morning and take me to my appointment so he can help me because he loves me and wants me to feel better.  And that made me feel so much better that I could even drink a cup of (decaf) tea.  And that’s a good start.